Suarez to seek rehab after admitting addiction to biting

Luis Suarez has admitted he has a problem in a sensational interview with the footballing press. The troubled Liverpool star has faced some harsh critics following his bite at the weekend, but he has vowed to come back stronger.


Whilst holding back tears Suarez admitted that his addiction started very early in his life: "I vaguely remember my parents weaning me as a toddler. Biting seemed so easy. I think in some small way my parents teaching me to eat like a normal human has contributed to my addiction. It's clearly their fault".

Suarez has a history of biting in competitive games, something that he also traces back to his childhood: "I was a competitive child. I clearly remember playing Monopoly and becoming frustrated that I was unable to pass go due to a chance card. I simply took a bite out of the banker and it solved the problem. The other children stopped playing, so I won by default."

Suarez will attend the exclusive Priory clinic for a period of 5 -10 weeks where he will face a grueling daily regime of having the shit flushed from between his ears. He will also be told repeatedly to stop biting people.


On his rehabilitation he continued: "I'm sure I can get better, but I realise it will be difficult. The urge to bite is something that will never go away. Playing a physical sport which brings me into close proximity with potential bitees makes things difficult. Perhaps I can get a substitue, like a slab of beef carved into the shape of an arm?"

Brendan Rodgers, simpleton and Liverpool manager, frothed: "I'm not sure what the FA are playing at. Clearly the lad needs help, not a lengthy ban. We've all been there, faced with the temptation to bite someone, frankly I'm amazed this doesn't happen more often. It's only because he's in the public eye. I bite a variety of people everyday. Anyone that says they don't bite is a bare-faced liar".

Online trolls to be investigated

The government announced today that intended to open an inquest into trolls online. The Prime Minister, David Cameron said, "For too long these trolls have been spoiling the internet for everyone. Questions need to be asked, where did these trolls get computers and internet access?"
A government appointed expert, William O Baggins, continued, "it's widely recognised that most trolls live under bridges eating stray goats. How they came by the internet is very worrying. More alarming is the behaviour they display when online."

The inquest will begin immediately with any troll found with internet access forced into direct sunlight, thereby turning them to stone. Pro-troll support group 'Troll Information Technology Supporters' (TITS) spokesman, Hardy Cockwright immediately responded, "Most trolls have no interest in attacking people online. They are much more interested in goats and hobbits. A small number have tarnished the whole community and to punish all trolls is unfair".

Although no trolls were available to interview in person, there were several voicing their opinions online. 'Badboi69' said, "come and get me. cunts. megalolz, rofl lmao, hope you die. laterz haterz". Further comments included "yak yak, ma dong is 4 ya mum. dicks. lol", and "mef. mef. you is a mef. Cameron is a cheese sniffer. sots". The stream of comments continued to descend into nonsensical gibberish.

The inquest is likely to last several months and was reportedly ordered after Mr. Cameron saw a comment on a forum stating "David Cameron likes it up the chuff from Cleggy".

 

"Dark knight rises" inspires Pope to quit

In a stunning interview with "take a break" magazine the Pope has revealed that the Christopher Nolan directed "Dark Knight Rises" inspired him to quit as God's representative on Earth.

"I realised that the idea of 'the pope' was bigger than one man, much like Batman", said the now relaxed pontiff.

"The pope should be a symbol and it's time for me to step aside. I'll happily hand over the keys to the pope-mobile and access codes to the pope cave", continued the papal patriarch.

"Maybe if I'd have faced a succession of unlikely pantomime baddies, rather than scandals on kiddie diddling and the use of dunkies in Africa, perhaps things might have been different", he pondered thoughtfully.

With the holy Roman throne now vacant rumours are rife that Prince Charles might throw his hat in the ring, "it's increasingly unlikely I'll be king, but I'd settle for Pope", said the glum monarch.

Other names in the running include Harry Redknapp, Danny Dyer, and Samuel L Jackson.

The new year

Welcome to the new year!

We humans are a strange bunch. We celebrate something based on an arbitrary calendar set out long ago. The only difference between the 31st December and the 30th June is that long ago someone said it was the end of the year.

Still it grants us all a rare moment of reflection and the promise of change in the coming year. Many of us will also use it as an excuse to get shitted and then reflect on how we get shitted too often.

I could ramble on, but the time is now, our time, your time, my time. It's only running out. It's yours to make the most of.

Me? I'm going to get my sandwich top trumps printed and teach my lads to blame each other for farts. After all we only have a set time to get the important things done.

Have a good 2013!

Man phrases

There are an abundance of terms that chaps use on a regular basis. Some are, frankly, terrible. Others will stand the test of time.

This post is dedicated to those phrases that should adorn any upwardly mobile gentleman's lexicon.

1. Fuck you.

A great two word sentence. Short and very much to the point. Whether used as a retort to a sharp barb from a friend, or as an aggressive warning to some jack the lad who's pushing his luck. In simplicity we find beauty. Fact.

2. You're shitting me.

When something is so surprising it's beyond kidding. It's so surprising that it's actually "shitting". Think about the power in that statement. I dare you.

3. I shit you not.

The perfect retort to the above. It's a bit like how Yoda would say something, but a bit more urban.

4. Do one.

Another great example of a short sharp statement conveying great power. No one actually knows what "one" is getting "done", but when it's time to do it, it gets done.

5. You cunt.

Fucking BOOM. Enough said.

6. Get fucked.

A phrase used to signal the end of a conversation or debate. It's surprising that this usually has negative connotations, as most men spend most of their time trying to "get fucked".

7. Bullshit.

A bit old fashioned these days. Best used when imitating Schwarzenegger.

8. You're shit out of luck.

The addition of "shit" really makes this work. As a sentence it makes very little sense, yet the recipient of this phrase is left in no doubt at the amount of luck they have, none.

9. Fucking dickhead/cunt/arsehole/prick.

Classic utility phrase. Best used in anger and oft heard in cars and vans across the country. Best not to undersell it, really spit that second word.

Jazz Mags - A dying tradition

***Masturbation news***

In a startling report released today it seems clear that the days of Fiesta, Razzle, Escort, and their ilk, are numbered.

In the report Dr. Handzbanger, head of onanism & frotting studies at Middlesbrough community college, indicated that in less than twenty years the traditional scud mag will be a thing of the past.

"With most men now accessing single handed artistic material digitally, whether it be on PC, or mobile device, the younger generation are having traditional scruff routes cut off," said Handzbanger, "most sock drawers now contain socks, and you'll be lucky if the hardest thing you find under a bush is the Freeman's catalogue".

The report continues that without this source of jazz mags, school and paper boys are becoming dangerously distracted by what they are actually supposed to be doing, and real girls.

Handzbanger has petitioned the government, and implores all fathers to furtively purchase publications such as Mayfair and Knave and store them in the sock drawer, or on the top of the wardrobe, so that traditional smut does not die out. He also implored wives and girlfriends "to turn a blind eye."

The government is said to be monitoring the situation with concern.

 

The double denim gambit

Everyone wears jeans, right? I would also fancy that most have at some point owned a denim jacket. Some have even gone for a denim shirt, the crazy fools.

Wearing any of the above in isolation is fine and you will incur no wrath. Combine any of the above and you're tempting the wrath of the fashion police.

I've been quite vocal on my feelings regarding double denim. I think it's ok. I wear jeans, and if i want to throw on my denim jacket to pop out, what's the issue?

Quite a big one according to the wife.

I remember a time when this was acceptable, or have i always just been a trend setter?

Well apparently there are rules with denim that allow you to double up without incurring the rage of scared and more fashion conscious better halves and friends.

Rule 1. Be Bruce Springsteen.


No body fucks with the boss. As such he's been given a green light to wear what he wants, when he wants. He just happens to like denim, and with good reason.

Rule 2. Be Jean Claude van Damme.



One of only two men able to successfully round house kick an opponent whilst wearing bollock hugging denim slacks, JCVD uses his green light to promote Coors beer.

His brand of double denim involves the lesser worn denim shirt. This means he's only a jacket away from triple threat denim, and no amount of round house kicks will allow him to carry this off.

Rule 3. Be Chuck Norris.



The Norris rocked this look every now and then in Walker, Texas Ranger.

He's also the only other person to pull off a roundhouse kick in clock weight strangling denim strides.

Let's be fair if Chuck decided to wear double denim, who would stop him?

Rule 4. Exist solely in the 80's.



This does not mean do as hipsters do.

The only way to follow this rule is to invent time travel and go back with a printed manuscript of this blog (as it didn't exist back then).

Pretty tough to do.

Rule 5. Be an actual cowboy.



It's prerequisite uniform. If you don't have the denim you're not a cowpoke.

These rules have been carefully compiled after discussing this topic with friends and the wife. They have caused me a great deal of distress as I still maintain that double denim can work.

As such I am one of very few brave souls who try and wear jeans and a denim jacket.

I hold my head up high knowing that one day, eventually, I will surely be "on trend".

As for triple threat denim, you'd have to be fucking bonkers.......or Chuck Norris.



WARNING C-BOMB DETONATION IMMINENT.

Also a bit of topic, but a valid point that came up a few times, is that if you wear espadrilles, you're a c*nt. End of.


What me to stop writing this rubbish? Write something so I don't have to here.