The financial pain of the final third of the year.

Did you have a good bank holiday? I hope so because it's all downhill from here.

"All we are is dust in the wind", so sang Kansas. Well, we may as well be pissing into it.

Look into the distance. No really look, past the foreground and into the deep distance. Do you see it? That tiny speck that isn't getting any closer? You're as far away from that speck as you can be. It's your September pay day. It's time to strap in and lube up because September's a long hard one.

At some point tomorrow the bank computers will have finished enjoying their break. They will then be busy totting up the many liberties you took with your bank balance whilst lost in a boozy bank holiday fug.

The worst thing about it all is that when you do reach the nirvana of September's pay day you'll spend too much of it celebrating that you have some money again. Then you'll realise it was one of the last three pay days before the final "oh shit it's Christmas tomorrow" pay day.

That's right. Once September's done with you Winter has buttered his balls and is ready to pound your financial arse to dust. Dust in the wind.

Things men like to do that women don't really understand

As a man there are numerous things I do, some on a regular basis, that my wife just doesn't understand. It turns out that in a lot of cases most of these things are common to most blokes. So here's a quick list, which if by no means exhaustive:

1. Ridiculous eating

It could be the portion size, it could be the content, it could be the fact that it belongs on the plate of a ten year old rather than a grown man, but whatever it is at one point every man folds. Women may roll their eyes as you boast of your skips/quavers triple decker sandwich medley, they may gasp as you devour a whole roast chicken, or tut as you polish off a  triumvirate of creme eggs but stand tall and thank God it's not a salad.

2. Watching sport

The male equivalent of watching soaps, or for that matter award winning drama. Watching sport unites us. Not necessarily because we support the same team or like the same sports, but in acknowledgment of unfulfilled dreams of sporting excellence and natural ability.

3. Playing sport beyond school


An extension of point 2. For some watching is not enough. They need to prove to themselves, and any lucky witnesses, that actually they were alright. Most quickly realise that this was also a fallacy.

4. Drinking with friends

"Why don't you just meet for a coffee", my wife has said on numerous occasions. She just doesn't get it. This isn't an episode of "friends". Men need the social lubrication that is alcohol to shake off the quiet inhibition that surrounds us so that we can actually have a bit of fun.

5. Getting horribly drunk


I'm not talking just pissed. I'm talking so pissed you're sick everywhere, lose several of your possessions, and fall asleep on several different modes of public transport. We don't have an off switch so it can get apocalyptic pretty quickly.

6. Picking a winner


Some chaps will pretend they don't do this. They'll say they only blow their nose. Bollocks. Everyone has their own root around and preferred space to do it in. Some it's the (visible) sanctuary of a car, others it's simply whenever they think they can't be seen (invariably they can).

7. Big shits


There's a very good reason websites like rate my poo exist (don't search for it, just take my word for it). Men like a good shit. Only their own mind you. There's something incredibly satisfying about a drowned badger and knowing that it's truly mammoth adds a sense of  accomplishment.

8. Cupping


Shoes off, feet up, hand down pants, cupping. Tried and tested, never bettered. I guess it's a bit like a security blanket. It's a proud tradition handed down from father to son.

9. Laughing at farts


You quickly grow out of laughing at the noise, but the fallout that can be created in a group of friends, or public place still holds an element of magic.

There are plenty more that could be added to this list and I'm sure I will as time goes on. Have you got any? Chuck it in the contents if you like.

Photo bombing - a guide

In the aftermath of the Oscars one story stands head and shoulders above the rest. The fact that Sharknado didn't even get nominated. I'll let that settle in. 

Luckily plucky Brit Benedict Cumberpatch was on hand to lighten the mood with everyone's favourite form of bombing (after swimming pool of course), photo bombing. 

However Cabbagepatch didn't just get lucky. What he did takes training and practice. So how can you be the life and soul of the party? How can you consign hundreds of carefully staged special moments to the digital recycle bin? Read on...

1. Anonymity is key

If you want to be a meme there's no point in knowing the person. Your mates are just going to see you playing the twat. Bars and pubs around the touristy parts of town are your Savannah. Those slightly tipsy backpackers taking the same photo over and over again. They're the gazelle. 

2. Maximise body area

Get big. Slapdyback did a great job of fanning out. You don't want to be in the background, you want to be the background. 

3. The face

Your face needs to speak to people. Those people need to decide whether you need an ambulance or a roll of bog paper. 

4. Leave the scene

High fiving and cheering with your beered up mates will give you away. Slink away without drawing attention to yourself and your bomb is primed for the hazy hungover morning after. 

That's it pretty much. Good luck.

Old school childish torture techniques - #1, the wet willy

This series of posts (if I write them) is going to delve into the murky world of school boy torture techniques. 

Let's kick off with a cracker - the dreaded "wet willy".

Technique: 

1. Select a victim who will have limited visibility off your approach.

2. Always approach from the rear, or at least a diagonal side attack. Never from the front.

3. Don't use your index finger. The pinky should be your chosen digit. It allows for deeper penetration. The media often mislead rookies into using the index, however the pinky will provide the deepest experience of violation.

4. Always lube up. Part of the horror of the wet willy is the clammy moistness. Never go in dry, this maybe torture, but we're not animals.

5. Insert swiftly to maximise depth before the victim can react.

6. As victim starts to register the horror of what is happening, sway backwards. You'll avoid more extreme physical retaliation.

That's how to deliver the most traumatic wet willy, but where did it come from?

History:

There is no definitive story of the first wet willy with many varying stories. However the one that has been widely accepted by many historians is the tale of William Paters.

Paters was a school boy in the early 18th century. It's said that his friend, Bill Bobbins had fallen asleep in Paters company. At this point he decided to take advantage of his unconscious friend. He attempted to stick his cock in Bobbins' ear. Bobbins awoke before Pater had committed the act and in a wild moment of terror and revulsion clocked Pater with a solid right hook. Pater was knocked unconscious and Bobbins fled.

A passing police officer by the name of Wetley Williams stumbled across Paters prone body. Instinctively he attempted to revive the boy and falling back on now outdated medical techniques he moistened his finger and inserted into Paters ear.

Paters awoke swinging his fists violently in disgust and confusion. Since that day this technique has remained in the Metropolitan police field manual, next to the correct method of beating up hippies and students.

So that's the wet willy. Next up, the Chinese burn.

Suarez to seek rehab after admitting addiction to biting

Luis Suarez has admitted he has a problem in a sensational interview with the footballing press. The troubled Liverpool star has faced some harsh critics following his bite at the weekend, but he has vowed to come back stronger.


Whilst holding back tears Suarez admitted that his addiction started very early in his life: "I vaguely remember my parents weaning me as a toddler. Biting seemed so easy. I think in some small way my parents teaching me to eat like a normal human has contributed to my addiction. It's clearly their fault".

Suarez has a history of biting in competitive games, something that he also traces back to his childhood: "I was a competitive child. I clearly remember playing Monopoly and becoming frustrated that I was unable to pass go due to a chance card. I simply took a bite out of the banker and it solved the problem. The other children stopped playing, so I won by default."

Suarez will attend the exclusive Priory clinic for a period of 5 -10 weeks where he will face a grueling daily regime of having the shit flushed from between his ears. He will also be told repeatedly to stop biting people.


On his rehabilitation he continued: "I'm sure I can get better, but I realise it will be difficult. The urge to bite is something that will never go away. Playing a physical sport which brings me into close proximity with potential bitees makes things difficult. Perhaps I can get a substitue, like a slab of beef carved into the shape of an arm?"

Brendan Rodgers, simpleton and Liverpool manager, frothed: "I'm not sure what the FA are playing at. Clearly the lad needs help, not a lengthy ban. We've all been there, faced with the temptation to bite someone, frankly I'm amazed this doesn't happen more often. It's only because he's in the public eye. I bite a variety of people everyday. Anyone that says they don't bite is a bare-faced liar".

Online trolls to be investigated

The government announced today that intended to open an inquest into trolls online. The Prime Minister, David Cameron said, "For too long these trolls have been spoiling the internet for everyone. Questions need to be asked, where did these trolls get computers and internet access?"
A government appointed expert, William O Baggins, continued, "it's widely recognised that most trolls live under bridges eating stray goats. How they came by the internet is very worrying. More alarming is the behaviour they display when online."

The inquest will begin immediately with any troll found with internet access forced into direct sunlight, thereby turning them to stone. Pro-troll support group 'Troll Information Technology Supporters' (TITS) spokesman, Hardy Cockwright immediately responded, "Most trolls have no interest in attacking people online. They are much more interested in goats and hobbits. A small number have tarnished the whole community and to punish all trolls is unfair".

Although no trolls were available to interview in person, there were several voicing their opinions online. 'Badboi69' said, "come and get me. cunts. megalolz, rofl lmao, hope you die. laterz haterz". Further comments included "yak yak, ma dong is 4 ya mum. dicks. lol", and "mef. mef. you is a mef. Cameron is a cheese sniffer. sots". The stream of comments continued to descend into nonsensical gibberish.

The inquest is likely to last several months and was reportedly ordered after Mr. Cameron saw a comment on a forum stating "David Cameron likes it up the chuff from Cleggy".

 

"Dark knight rises" inspires Pope to quit

In a stunning interview with "take a break" magazine the Pope has revealed that the Christopher Nolan directed "Dark Knight Rises" inspired him to quit as God's representative on Earth.

"I realised that the idea of 'the pope' was bigger than one man, much like Batman", said the now relaxed pontiff.

"The pope should be a symbol and it's time for me to step aside. I'll happily hand over the keys to the pope-mobile and access codes to the pope cave", continued the papal patriarch.

"Maybe if I'd have faced a succession of unlikely pantomime baddies, rather than scandals on kiddie diddling and the use of dunkies in Africa, perhaps things might have been different", he pondered thoughtfully.

With the holy Roman throne now vacant rumours are rife that Prince Charles might throw his hat in the ring, "it's increasingly unlikely I'll be king, but I'd settle for Pope", said the glum monarch.

Other names in the running include Harry Redknapp, Danny Dyer, and Samuel L Jackson.