Thursday, 27 January 2011

John Rambo vs. Alan 'Dutch' Schaefer

This was originally going to be John Rambo vs. Rocky Balboa, but this new match was suggested by a friend and I felt inspired to take it on.

So with Rambo and Dutch we're talking about two jungle combat veterans here. Both have chequered pasts and a roll call of seemingly implausible victories. There's some cracking sound bites, improbable situations, and plenty of claret to keep us occupied.

So without further or do the, the now customary, pros and cons spreadsheet-

Well I think that covers it. As usual I've probably overlooked plenty of extras. So I can update it should you have a burning desire to add to this.

Now let's get into some further discussion points before I cast my opinion-

Both combatants show high aptitude when it comes to bush craft. Rambo crafts a pretty nifty wooden knee knobbler trap, and chows down on boar. He loses points for not cooking it.

Dutch manages to craft a bow and explosive arrows, plus some nifty vine based traps. I'd say for this reason Dutch has to get the edge here. If this was based purely on who would survive longer in the wild Rambo would get the nod.

This one's going to be tight.

Knife skills-
Another close round. Both are able to use their knife as a crafting tool, with Rambo getting his whittle on something chronic. Dutch does less whittling, but the crafting is none the less present.

Rambo's knife is an all in one survival kit, which he might be lost without. No such worries for Dutch. He uses his knife as a projectile weapon at one point with the pithy send off 'stick around'. Genius. This also leads me onto-

There's plenty to look at here. With Rambo you've got the cerebral' to win war, you gotta become war', whereas Dutch throws in 'stick around' as mentioned above, and 'get to dah chopper', not to forget, 'knock, knock' when firing a grenade through a straw door. This one goes to Dutch.

As you can see from the list I struggled to think of too many weaknesses for Dutch. He certainly doesn't look like an Alan that's for sure, a google image search confirms this. Otherwise he seems to be too trusting of Dillon. However in a fight with Rambo this might not be an disadvantage as it's unlikely Rambo has the vocal dexterity to outwit Dutch, just.

Rambo on the other hand has a few more that could be problematic. His war torn past has left more scars on his psyche than Dutch, and he can't seem to get past it. He has some worrying bed fellows in the Taliban, and finally his 'little gurly boy' hair is infinitely more pullable than Dutch's sensible short back and sides.

My opinion-
It maybe a little controversial, but I'm giving this to Dutch. Although Rambo took out most of a police force, the Burmese army, the Russians, and Brian Dennehy, Dutch took out a load of South American rebels, plus a double hard alien, and then survived the minor nuclear blast.

He also went through the same wars as Rambo and came out far less mentally ravaged. I think Dutch would lose his advantage the longer the battle went on, however, as he is more clinical (he's willing to leave the woman hostage, Rambo joins the Taliban after a sob story) it's not likely to last too long.

Here's Predators top kills according to IGN, it's a pretty good clip-

and a wicked looking cartoon, which I'm afraid I've never seen-

All comments and opinions, as usual, are welcome....

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Dig up stupid

Several years ago I found myself on a beach in Newquay. It was a typical English summer, heavily overcast, a good chance of rain, and the sea was so cold hypothermia and disappearing testicles were a racing certainty.

I was on this beach with seven lads I'd met at university, and one girl, poor lass. Still she didn't seem to mind too much. After doing the required ten second dip in the sea, whilst shivering, we had to think of a way to spend the rest of the day on the beach without resorting to drink too early.

I don't know why, or what thoughts went through my head, but I picked up a frisbee and started to use it as a digging implement. A couple of the chaps joined in using a cricket stump, and whatever else was to hand. After quite a while the hole was quite large.

As we were continuing our construction a some what concerned mother asked us what we were doing. The answer that came out was that we were 'building a hole'. Not digging, but building.

Here now comes the point of this post. Were we correct in saying 'building'? Grammatically I admit it is incorrect. However this hole was so large that the undertaking took on spiritual undertones for all involved. Ask anyone involved what they did on that holiday and their eyes will mist up as they mutter 'built a hole'.

Here's why we 'built' it-

  • Digging doesn't give enough justice to the effort. To dig just doesn't go far enough to describe the activity. To build suggests there was a plan and design to the hole.
  • It was admired by all who surveyed it (mostly little kids), much like a piece of classical architecture.
  • It could be seen from space, or at least the Walkabout pub on top of the cliff, much like the Great Wall of China (this can't be seen from the Walkabout).
  • It almost caught a criminal. During the afternoon whilst surveying the hole from the pub, a drunken roustabout was being chased by two coppers on the beach in a Benny Hill-esque fashion. I say 'almost caught' as although he ran near the hole, he didn't fall in.
  • Later that night it was used as a makeshift nightclub by some late night revellers, possibly some other activities as well....

The shared memories that this hole created, from the massive rock we had to excavate from it, to the little shit that tried to take it from us whilst we were in the pub, deserve to be remembered with more reverence than a hole that was simply 'dug', this hole was built.

Finally I'd like to include a point that lowers the tone somewhat. As you can imagine, apart from the sole girl this was essentially a lads holiday. Highly sexist sexual activity was discussed at most opportunities such as donkey punching and other nefarious activities. As typical of our group talking was the mainstay of the activity as most of the time we were all too pissed to do anything else.

On one such drinking binges after the hole building one of the lads who had not been involved named it a 'one man rape hole'. Boys being boys we all chuckled heartily at this inappropriate yet amusing name. Now I look back at it though what's worrying is that by implication this chap may have seen larger 'rape holes' if such a thing exists. I'd look it up on google, but for once I'm scared of the results I'd get.

What do you think, can a hole be built? I think I'm onto a loser, but feel free to let me know what you think....

Friday, 14 January 2011

Robocop vs. Terminator

Never before has such an obvious match been ignored by the entertainment industry (games excluded which I'll come to later). Maybe it's because when you think about it, there's only one horse to back on this one.

I've discussed this many a time in the pub, and always come to the same conclusion. In fact at times I've found it difficult to find someone to oppose my drunken arguments so watertight is my lager fuelled debating position.

Before going into who I think would walk away with the title I've prepared a, now standard feature, spreadsheet weighing up the relevant parties strengths and weaknesses-

I may have missed the odd one (feel free to suggest more), but I feel a few are worthy of greater discussion-

USB fist dagger- muchos kudo for this. Not only a handy data storage device, but also a lethal weapon for when things get down and dirty. Terminator doesn't have anything quite this cool. He does have a pretty strong punch though as proved by the quick cameo from Bill Paxton and the guy that played Shao Kahn in Mortal Kombat 2.

One-liners- close call on this one. There's Robo's 'Dead or alive your coming with me', to Terminator's 'I'll be back'. Given the plethora rolled out in Terminator 2, the terminator takes this one. There was even a one-liner toy.

HUD- Both the Terminator and Robocop have heads up displays, but in my opinion Terminator's is clearly superior. Both have advanced targetting, although Robo's is screwed once his visor is gone, and both have pretty cool analytic tools. The real winner however is when in a scene from the first terminator film the following happens-

Not only does it give him several options of an answer, but the cpu picks the sweariest and most insulting. Bravo sir, bravo.

And finally one that came up out of no where whilst I was thinking about this. Stick with me here....

Robocop has a human, male brain.
Robocop has human male thoughts (including about his wife).

We all know where I'm going....

Robocop has no wang.

The poor bastard, surely that's hell. I'm surprised he's not topped himself.

So with that I'm going to go with Terminator. I think the human brain is what will cause Robocop's downfall. I think he'll put up a good fight, but I think once the Terminator's close enough he'll punch through his face and fuck up his brain. Game over.

I should also point out that this has been enacted in computer game. It wasn't a great game, and to be honest I think the publishers were just looking for a bad guy rather than a toe to toe ding dong. Still the plot was pretty funny.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Crashing horses

A few years ago a good friend of mine asked the following question-

'Can you crash a horse?'

To clarify we were discussing if you could intentionally crash said horse. It's a head scratcher isn't it? Initially this question was met with derision and 'laugh in your face' hilarity. As these things tend to develop though, after a few beers, we gave the question some credence and the debate began to rage.

So here's my views on this question-

The 'NO' side-

Of course you can't crash a horse, it's not a car. As a living, thinking, creature it will try to avoid a collision just as we would. When you're a kid and you run into a wall, you haven't had a 'crash'. You can't intentionally crash a horse, as the horse just won't have it.

The 'YES' side-

Anything you ride and control can be crashed. You crash a car, a bike, a skateboard, a trolley, therefore a horse.

I have to say I sit on the 'NO' side of this. However certain theories were cooked up whereby you could crash a horse. Here's my favourite-

How to crash a horse, theory #1- the stealth crash

horse crash

In case the above image isn't working, see it here- horse crash

1. Ride your horse at a full gallop

2. Get a friend to fashion some kind of brick wall on wheels, and slide said brick wall in front of the galloping horse at the last moment, making a crash inevitable.

3. Hey presto! An unavoidable crash.

You could debate whether this is an 'intentional' crash, as it's fair to say that the horse will probably be a little surprised by the last minute inclusion of a brick wall.

Who said uni was a waste of time?

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