Thursday, 27 January 2011

John Rambo vs. Alan 'Dutch' Schaefer

This was originally going to be John Rambo vs. Rocky Balboa, but this new match was suggested by a friend and I felt inspired to take it on.

So with Rambo and Dutch we're talking about two jungle combat veterans here. Both have chequered pasts and a roll call of seemingly implausible victories. There's some cracking sound bites, improbable situations, and plenty of claret to keep us occupied.

So without further or do the, the now customary, pros and cons spreadsheet-

Well I think that covers it. As usual I've probably overlooked plenty of extras. So I can update it should you have a burning desire to add to this.

Now let's get into some further discussion points before I cast my opinion-

Both combatants show high aptitude when it comes to bush craft. Rambo crafts a pretty nifty wooden knee knobbler trap, and chows down on boar. He loses points for not cooking it.

Dutch manages to craft a bow and explosive arrows, plus some nifty vine based traps. I'd say for this reason Dutch has to get the edge here. If this was based purely on who would survive longer in the wild Rambo would get the nod.

This one's going to be tight.

Knife skills-
Another close round. Both are able to use their knife as a crafting tool, with Rambo getting his whittle on something chronic. Dutch does less whittling, but the crafting is none the less present.

Rambo's knife is an all in one survival kit, which he might be lost without. No such worries for Dutch. He uses his knife as a projectile weapon at one point with the pithy send off 'stick around'. Genius. This also leads me onto-

There's plenty to look at here. With Rambo you've got the cerebral' to win war, you gotta become war', whereas Dutch throws in 'stick around' as mentioned above, and 'get to dah chopper', not to forget, 'knock, knock' when firing a grenade through a straw door. This one goes to Dutch.

As you can see from the list I struggled to think of too many weaknesses for Dutch. He certainly doesn't look like an Alan that's for sure, a google image search confirms this. Otherwise he seems to be too trusting of Dillon. However in a fight with Rambo this might not be an disadvantage as it's unlikely Rambo has the vocal dexterity to outwit Dutch, just.

Rambo on the other hand has a few more that could be problematic. His war torn past has left more scars on his psyche than Dutch, and he can't seem to get past it. He has some worrying bed fellows in the Taliban, and finally his 'little gurly boy' hair is infinitely more pullable than Dutch's sensible short back and sides.

My opinion-
It maybe a little controversial, but I'm giving this to Dutch. Although Rambo took out most of a police force, the Burmese army, the Russians, and Brian Dennehy, Dutch took out a load of South American rebels, plus a double hard alien, and then survived the minor nuclear blast.

He also went through the same wars as Rambo and came out far less mentally ravaged. I think Dutch would lose his advantage the longer the battle went on, however, as he is more clinical (he's willing to leave the woman hostage, Rambo joins the Taliban after a sob story) it's not likely to last too long.

Here's Predators top kills according to IGN, it's a pretty good clip-

and a wicked looking cartoon, which I'm afraid I've never seen-

All comments and opinions, as usual, are welcome....

1 comment:

  1. I would concur with your opinion here. Rambo has certainly been through the mill, and would no doubt make a fearsome adversary to Dutch, but I agree that the damaged post-naam psyche of Rambo could easily exploited by the quick one liners of our Predator hunting jungle lover (that's jungle as in trees, insects and dampness, not as in "jungle is massive").

    This potential weakness could lead Johnny boy to make a crucial mistake in judgement which would surely be pounced upon - no doubt accompanied by a 'par for the course' retort from Dutch, such as "he needed a haircut" as he decapitates Rambo's with a hastily arranged booby trap.

    However, all this said, i'd much prefer to see them join forces to eradicate the real scurge of the tropical undergrowth; the z-list cretins of "I'm a celebrity".

    A well aimed knife shot at the head of Kerry Katona or a carefully prepared pit of spikes in which to drop that mockney fella from Eastenders would do much to cement their already legendary status as heroes of the jungle.


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