Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Carving arseholes part 1

It's 1830, and a statue of George the IV, riding his horse Trigger (sources can't verify this name), has been commissioned by his successor William the IV.

Sir Francis Chantrey has been selected to sculpt the piece.

He has just completed the commission. Here's the conversation that took place:

Sir Francis Chantrey: Behold your Majesty it's complete

{looking from the front} HRH William IV: Wow it's great. The horse is so life like, and you've captured the likeness perfectly. {HRH moves around the statue}

Sir Francis Chantrey: Yes, it's an artistic interpretation of a horse. We've gone for as life like as possible with out including any of the potentially embarrassing bi.. {HRH cuts sculptor off mid-sentence}

{looking from the rear} HRH: Where's the arsehole?

Sir Francis Chantrey: Your highness, it's been avoided. It's an artistic impression of a horse.

HRH: This horse had an arsehole, god rest it's soul, I want an arsehole!

Sir Francis Chantrey: My liege, the proletariat might find it a source of mirth, we wouldn't want to.. {HRH cuts sculptor off mid-sentence}

HRH: Don't tell me what I want, I want an arsehole. When I have visiting dignitaries they'll look at this and ask me where my arseholes are. We breed horses with arseholes in Britain, and goddam it, I want an arsehole on my statue!

Sir Francis Chantrey: Yes, your highness, if you're sure, I'll add this in.

HRH: Of course I'm sure, don't question me you impudent serf. I want an arsehole immediately. Come to mention it I want all statues to include arseholes from now on, and I want you to personally retrospectively add arseholes anywhere they maybe missing. If you don't you'll be beheaded, as a lesson, for lack of arseholes.

{Adviser speaks up} Adviser: Your Highness, this is a little extreme, we will ensure tha.. {HRH cuts adviser off mid-sentence}

HRH: Do you want to go the same way pal? {talking to Sir Francis Chantrey} You've got one week, and {turns to adviser} you can help him. If in one week I don't see an arsehole everywhere I check for one they'll be hell to pay.

Adviser: Of course your highness, I apologise for any offence. We will begin adding arseholes. From now on we will ensure that no arsehole is neglected in the future.
Horse's arse 007

Read part 2 here.

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