Friday, 25 March 2011

Things that should impress women, but apparently don't.

Continuing my serious of posts likely to annoy my wife (see the other one here), here's a list of things that, I've discovered over the years, don't actually impress the fairer sex.

So in no particular order-

1. Drinking prowess-

I know what you're thinking- what? Surely not? Apparently so. Despite spending a lot of time driving up alcoholic tolerance with my mates, when adding a lady into the dynamic she doesn't seem quite as impressed by the beer bong, or aftershock challenge. It's no surprise that most of the time she merely looks on unimpressed as you pound your liver and become more and more shit faced.

It turns out that a lot of things you find funny and enjoyable when drinking with your mates doesn't translate to your lady friend. Slurring, arm wrestling, repeating conversations over and over again, falling over, kebabs, and puking don't seem to cut it.

That and for some reason after a certain level of refreshment most blokes go from fairly respectable to looking like a sex pest.


2. Coarse language-

This goes hand in hand with the above. Although generally just the presence of your mates will up the profanity count.

Watch the scowl form on your other half's face as you litter a normal conversation with 'fuck', 'shit', and 'bollocks'. Just to make sure you really twist the knife you and at least one of you're mates will drop the c-bomb.

So despite the fact it takes skill to make a normal conversation exceptionally colourful, no credit is given and you're more likely to receive the dreaded 'po-face'.

3. Playstation skillz-

No matter how often I try, getting my wife to participate in 'gaming' is fruitless. It's a waste of time, apparently. I disagree, that's why they invented trophies.

Even though I wear the number of hours spent on Fallout like a badge of honour my wife just tuts in disapproval. If anything your gaming system is a rival for your attention, and like other potential rivals will slowly be phased from your life without you even realising it.

4. Things your ex used to do-

Whose house? Dog house. That's right, never, ever, is it ok to compare your current lady friend with previous ones, especially if the previous one is shown in the positive light. This is even more important if the blue veined hooligan is attempting to access the cave of wonder.

You'll be entering the bad books and spending many nights with guru palm and the five pillars of wisdom thinking about what you've done.

5. Your collection of football kits/programmes/comic books/action figures/tat-

Most men have a collection of something. The lucky ones have more than one collection. Apparently, however, this is in fact 'clutter' and in no way impressive. Those transformer action figures? Dust gatherers. Your retro footy tops? Space wasters, and if you wear them, extra washing/ironing (even if you did or didn't ask for this service).

Give it time and most of this will be in the loft, or pre-agreed space that your finer half will never venture to.

6. Your knowledge of the extended Star Wars universe/or other film franchise-

I know a lot about Star Wars, for others it might be Die Hard, Aliens, or, well it doesn't really matter what it is. The fact that I know the difference between an x-wing and a y-wing, or the correct application of 'the force' during any given situation will only be meet by a tut and a roll of the eyes.

Princess Leia understands me.

7. Being right, or more specifically proving them wrong-

You're in an argument, by some miracle you're in the right, you have evidenced that proves her wrong. Somehow though you're in the dog house. You should be triumphant, this doesn't happen often, but you're the  one being ignored. You should be the ignorer. How did this happen? Give it up pal, you'll never know how this happened. Despite the fact you shouldn't, it's best to apologise. What for? You've got me.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are many, many, many more. Plenty I've forgotten, and I'm sure many that I've yet to experience.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Bar Dynamics

Your local watering hole aside, a bar can be a difficult place to get served quickly. When it's 6pm and the closest bar to you is six deep with two disinterested Australians pulling pints you're in a world of pain.

During my university years, as well as wasting my time on a degree that would have no bearing on my adult life, myself and a few friends came up with a robust method of getting to the bar in the most trying circumstances- bar dynamics.

There's more to think about when approaching a bar than simply queuing. Being British queuing is something that comes naturally, however involve alcohol, and the need to get it quickly and the dark arts are exposed. Those that are truly skilled will ghost in and out with a round before anyone's noticed. Those that aren't will be left waiting, or worse in a fight with a group of pissed up squaddies.

So onto the theory-

A busy bar has quite an organic feel to it. It's actually tidal, with areas of activity, and likewise areas of inactivity that ebb and flow. Identifying these areas is key to speedy service.

Generally bar staff will serve people within arms reach, occasionally moving to the periphery, but for the most sticking to this zone. So when moving into the crowd your destination needs to be this zone.
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There are exceptions. At well staffed bars you'll find the these serving zones can overlap. Head to the overlap and you'll get the attention of both staff upping your chances.
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Be warned though, a bar that has multiple staff, but not enough can lead to dead zones. End up here and you may as well get your phone out and start dicking about on facebook, you'll be there a while.
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So you know where you're going, you just need to get there. What's the best way to get through that crowd? You will need to wait, but the key is how you react when people who have been served move back through the crowd.

In the first stages when your on the edge of the crowd you need to open your body up and face towards the person on the way out. This allows you to slide into the space they leave. Ideally they will be facing away from you. This allows you to push as they are naturally braced to protect their drinks. The person on the opposite side will not have time to react to your move and, hey presto, your one person ahead.
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You're now so close to the bar your parched lips can taste the alcohol. You're one layer away, you're in line with your target area, don't lose it now. At this point concentration needs to be at a maximum. There are lots of people moving and you need to be in the right place.

You need to be in the right position now to take advantage of the person in front. Which way are they leaning? Which hand is handing over the dosh? Have they passed any drinks back? These are all important questions as they can give you a clue. You need to be on the shoulder that turns closest to the bar as the person spins.

In much the same way as the previous diagram you will find yourself filling the vacuum that they have left.
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Great, now you're at the bar, the hard part is over. However there are some things to aid further speedy serving.

Do not wave money- you're not at a strip club. The only place I've seen this work is a Wetherspoons in Manchester. Enough said about that.

Don't queue near signs that say 'glass collection only'- you'll be ignored until the bar is empty, and then you'll be told to move to place your order.

Barmaids- no matter what you think, unless in very rare circumstances, they do not fancy you. Calling them sweetheart, darling, and love, is unlikely to help. Buying them a drink might.

Be polite- in the same manner that you remember arseholes, so do the bar staff.

Random furniture- you've spotted a space at the bar, why isn't anyone there? Because out of view is the bar stool of the unhinged local who's in the shitter. Move his stool at your peril.

The final theory, only to be used when hard drinking with like minded individuals.

The Stock Market-

This gives you a presence at the bar, at all times. Generally you will be very drunk, very quickly after doing this for a short time.

You will need to work in shifts, normally there would need to be five of you.

You need one guy at the bar, the trader. He will repeatedly order, based on the instruction of the guy in the pit, or six deep queue at the bar. The guy in the pit will pass drinks from the trader to the main group.

To keep this working the main group have to finish their drinks before the bar staff return to take a further order from the trader. At a busy bar this is usually 5-10 minutes. As you can imagine this gets messy.

Remember to rotate the roles, and if you all act as the trader at least once, the chances are you'll be shitfaced within an hour or two.

Well that's it. Bar Dynamics, good luck with the implementation if you choose to follow this system. Just remember the queue to the bar is an organic one. Roll with it, ride the wave, and inebriation awaits.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Chaos walkers- get in lane

This one is for you, chaos walker.

Chaos walker
[key-os waw-ker]
1. A person, or persons, who walks in a manner opposed to those around them.
2. A person that walks with no spatial awareness of others around them: Get out of the way you fucking chaos walker.

I use this term so regularly in my head that I've got to the point of actually calling people this out loud. Normally it's met with a confused expression.

Unfortunately all of us, at one point or another, are chaos walkers. Whether we mean to or not we get in other peoples way. Most, if we realise this, are apologetic. The hardcore chaos walker is not.

Generally chaos walkers fall into five broad areas-

Tourists- They're lost. They don't know where they are. Rather than moving to the edge of the pavement they dawdle. They edge around straining at a map they have no hope of comprehending. They pick their speed up and then just as quickly stop, craning their necks for a clue to their whereabouts.

Business folk- They're quick, but erratic. They will cut you up at a whim or to reach a taxi. Almost always they will be dragging a briefcase on wheels. A briefcase they could just as easily carry- the twats.

The camel/train- Related closely to the tourist and business folk, these are travelers dragging they're unfeasibly large suitcase behind them. Like the tourist they dawdle, and like the business folk are prone to carving you up with their porta-homes.

The Family- An organic unit that can't function when broken down to it's component parts. To remedy this they walk slowly, side by side, swamping the width of the pavement- making passing very difficult. Sometimes they will be accompanied by an unruly child running amok. With child they stop-start as the parent vainly tries to control their spawn.

The shopper- Carefully balancing a multitude of bags on each arm, the shopper rolls from side to side, as they move down the centre of the pavement. Their lack of balance often leads them to drift off this centre course, either crushing you into a wall, or burning you into the road. They are also prone to stopping suddenly as a glitzy offering catches their eye.

There are of course many fine levels of chaos walkers and these are just broad strokes covering the main offenders.

How do you deal with this problem endemic on our public walkways? The solution that I propose is walking lanes. An easy system, whereby those that need to go somewhere occupy the outer lane. They maintain their speed and move into the slow lane when they require a stop or interruption. Those on the inner lane can dawdle, stop and cause a nuisance.
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As long as people keep moving there is no problem, you can judge their speed and direction and overtake or follow as necessary. A chaos walker destroys this by stopping, or moving in an erratic fashion.

Of course this would have to be enforced. New jobs would be created, as a task force of police, 'pedo-police' if you will, would have to be created to maintain order. Cattle prods used as deterrents would keep the chaos walkers in order. They'd quickly learn.

Finally I'd be able to walk to the station without some dickhead getting in the way.

Friday, 4 March 2011

What's worse- getting hit in nuts, or giving birth?

When I first suggested to my wife that this was the next topic of my blog, she called me an idiot. She then also said I should write it.

I'll point out that I am happily married, and have a young son. So I have experienced the miracle and horror of child birth first hand. Obviously from a safe, pain free, distance.

I'll qualify my position straight up, I will never be able to argue that a single episode of nut impact versus giving birth are comparable. Despite much male blustering about being able to squeeze them out at half time in the pub shitter, I know that giving birth is much more painful than a single bollock collision. We've all seen and heard the animalistic, soul shaking, roar of a woman mid drop thanks to one born every minute.

So where's my argument? Well here you go-

1. Getting hit in the nuts is always a surprise.

Most women, in most cases, know they are going to give birth. Although they may not know how painful it will get, they can steel themselves, ready for the moment.

A man is always surprised when he gets hit in the nuts.

2. Getting hit in the nuts is never planned.

Most women will plan a pregnancy, or at least, stop taking precautions.

A man will never, knowingly, plan to get hit in the nuts.

3. Getting hit in the nuts can happen a lot.

Women have a finite number of times they can give birth.

A man can get a shot in the pods hundreds of times.

4. There's no sympathy for getting hit in the nuts.

A woman will be comforted by those she loves after giving birth.

A man will, at best, get a slap on the shoulder by a chuckling friend as he wipes away tears of laughter.

So there you have it. Conclusive prove and a stone cold argument if ever I saw it.

Whatever side of the debate you stand on here's some clips that are very funny, and make you glad that none of them happened to you-

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