Friday, 11 March 2011

Chaos walkers- get in lane

This one is for you, chaos walker.

Chaos walker
[key-os waw-ker]
1. A person, or persons, who walks in a manner opposed to those around them.
2. A person that walks with no spatial awareness of others around them: Get out of the way you fucking chaos walker.

I use this term so regularly in my head that I've got to the point of actually calling people this out loud. Normally it's met with a confused expression.

Unfortunately all of us, at one point or another, are chaos walkers. Whether we mean to or not we get in other peoples way. Most, if we realise this, are apologetic. The hardcore chaos walker is not.

Generally chaos walkers fall into five broad areas-

Tourists- They're lost. They don't know where they are. Rather than moving to the edge of the pavement they dawdle. They edge around straining at a map they have no hope of comprehending. They pick their speed up and then just as quickly stop, craning their necks for a clue to their whereabouts.

Business folk- They're quick, but erratic. They will cut you up at a whim or to reach a taxi. Almost always they will be dragging a briefcase on wheels. A briefcase they could just as easily carry- the twats.

The camel/train- Related closely to the tourist and business folk, these are travelers dragging they're unfeasibly large suitcase behind them. Like the tourist they dawdle, and like the business folk are prone to carving you up with their porta-homes.

The Family- An organic unit that can't function when broken down to it's component parts. To remedy this they walk slowly, side by side, swamping the width of the pavement- making passing very difficult. Sometimes they will be accompanied by an unruly child running amok. With child they stop-start as the parent vainly tries to control their spawn.

The shopper- Carefully balancing a multitude of bags on each arm, the shopper rolls from side to side, as they move down the centre of the pavement. Their lack of balance often leads them to drift off this centre course, either crushing you into a wall, or burning you into the road. They are also prone to stopping suddenly as a glitzy offering catches their eye.

There are of course many fine levels of chaos walkers and these are just broad strokes covering the main offenders.

How do you deal with this problem endemic on our public walkways? The solution that I propose is walking lanes. An easy system, whereby those that need to go somewhere occupy the outer lane. They maintain their speed and move into the slow lane when they require a stop or interruption. Those on the inner lane can dawdle, stop and cause a nuisance.
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As long as people keep moving there is no problem, you can judge their speed and direction and overtake or follow as necessary. A chaos walker destroys this by stopping, or moving in an erratic fashion.

Of course this would have to be enforced. New jobs would be created, as a task force of police, 'pedo-police' if you will, would have to be created to maintain order. Cattle prods used as deterrents would keep the chaos walkers in order. They'd quickly learn.

Finally I'd be able to walk to the station without some dickhead getting in the way.

1 comment:

  1. On a related note, I vaguely recall that on a trip down to visit the Musgrove boys, as we ventured into London via the tube, I made the unforgivable mistake of stopping to have a lean in what is apparently the 'fast lane' of the underground escalator system. This breach in pedestrian etiquette was met with a chorus of "TOURIST, TOURIST, TOURIST" from you London navigation veterans.

    I have never made that mistake again.


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