Friday, 25 March 2011

Things that should impress women, but apparently don't.

Continuing my serious of posts likely to annoy my wife (see the other one here), here's a list of things that, I've discovered over the years, don't actually impress the fairer sex.

So in no particular order-

1. Drinking prowess-

I know what you're thinking- what? Surely not? Apparently so. Despite spending a lot of time driving up alcoholic tolerance with my mates, when adding a lady into the dynamic she doesn't seem quite as impressed by the beer bong, or aftershock challenge. It's no surprise that most of the time she merely looks on unimpressed as you pound your liver and become more and more shit faced.

It turns out that a lot of things you find funny and enjoyable when drinking with your mates doesn't translate to your lady friend. Slurring, arm wrestling, repeating conversations over and over again, falling over, kebabs, and puking don't seem to cut it.

That and for some reason after a certain level of refreshment most blokes go from fairly respectable to looking like a sex pest.


2. Coarse language-

This goes hand in hand with the above. Although generally just the presence of your mates will up the profanity count.

Watch the scowl form on your other half's face as you litter a normal conversation with 'fuck', 'shit', and 'bollocks'. Just to make sure you really twist the knife you and at least one of you're mates will drop the c-bomb.

So despite the fact it takes skill to make a normal conversation exceptionally colourful, no credit is given and you're more likely to receive the dreaded 'po-face'.

3. Playstation skillz-

No matter how often I try, getting my wife to participate in 'gaming' is fruitless. It's a waste of time, apparently. I disagree, that's why they invented trophies.

Even though I wear the number of hours spent on Fallout like a badge of honour my wife just tuts in disapproval. If anything your gaming system is a rival for your attention, and like other potential rivals will slowly be phased from your life without you even realising it.

4. Things your ex used to do-

Whose house? Dog house. That's right, never, ever, is it ok to compare your current lady friend with previous ones, especially if the previous one is shown in the positive light. This is even more important if the blue veined hooligan is attempting to access the cave of wonder.

You'll be entering the bad books and spending many nights with guru palm and the five pillars of wisdom thinking about what you've done.

5. Your collection of football kits/programmes/comic books/action figures/tat-

Most men have a collection of something. The lucky ones have more than one collection. Apparently, however, this is in fact 'clutter' and in no way impressive. Those transformer action figures? Dust gatherers. Your retro footy tops? Space wasters, and if you wear them, extra washing/ironing (even if you did or didn't ask for this service).

Give it time and most of this will be in the loft, or pre-agreed space that your finer half will never venture to.

6. Your knowledge of the extended Star Wars universe/or other film franchise-

I know a lot about Star Wars, for others it might be Die Hard, Aliens, or, well it doesn't really matter what it is. The fact that I know the difference between an x-wing and a y-wing, or the correct application of 'the force' during any given situation will only be meet by a tut and a roll of the eyes.

Princess Leia understands me.

7. Being right, or more specifically proving them wrong-

You're in an argument, by some miracle you're in the right, you have evidenced that proves her wrong. Somehow though you're in the dog house. You should be triumphant, this doesn't happen often, but you're the  one being ignored. You should be the ignorer. How did this happen? Give it up pal, you'll never know how this happened. Despite the fact you shouldn't, it's best to apologise. What for? You've got me.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are many, many, many more. Plenty I've forgotten, and I'm sure many that I've yet to experience.

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