Friday, 29 April 2011

The art of shitting

Here's a warning, this is a very male orientated post, and women will not understand it. It's probably best not to read this whilst eating your lunch.

Now I suppose you're wondering why I decided to write this post? Well, it was because of my son. He's recently moved onto solid foods and this transition upset the delicate balance of his young guts. I could see the confusion on his face when he realised what was happening. It must have been scary for him. I had to talk him through his first motion and I found myself saying, 'don't worry boy, once this first ones done you'll wonder what the fuss was, you'll enjoy it'. It's the last part of this sentence that really struck a chord. Why do men enjoy a good dump? The good news is that once the boy had seen off several bum contractions and got through his arse labour he was smiling away.

So men have this strange obsession with shitting, and this is reflected in the films, tv, comics, and books we find funny. From that famous scene in Dumb & Dumber,

south park and Randy's effort-

to viz and its extensive arse related content, we can't get far from jokes about shitting.

Let's look at some of the rituals that men engage in, within the arena of crappage.

The hangover 'life affirmer'- You've had a heavy night on the sauce, you're up, have had breakfast and a cup of tea. The deceptive early morning feel good factor has worn off and you're deep in the midst of a terrible hangover. Suddenly the warning twitch kicks in, and it's not the time to gamble. After lighting the bum cigar you instantly feel refreshed and ready to start the day. Life is good, for a short while at least.

Pseudonyms for the act of shitting- For some reason this list goes on and on. Everyone has there favourites and many times like minded individuals have swapped their own, forming longer lists. Some of my favourites are- drowning an otter, laying a cable, snapping off a length of dirty spine, casting Churchill's reflecting, King Kong's finger, birthing the mud child, and of course an old favourite, dropping the kids off at the pool. There are many, many, more listed in such publications as the profanisaurus.

Pride- There is something very odd when turning round and looking into the bowl to see a behemoth staring back. There's a conflicting feeling of repulsion, normal, and pride, strange. It's always the pride that wins over. You almost want to call bystanders in to witness the magnificence of the waste you've created. An example of this was during university I had some very good friends studying at Derby. They explained that in their halls of residence flat they would often have competitions whereby once a deposit had been made flushing would not be allowed to occur until all had inspected it. The winner being the largest act of effluence.

The Sportsman- The bond of the changing room is strong, and in this confined space, with several hungover team mates, it's hard to avoid this call of nature. This has evolved to the point that some team mates can't take the field unless this ceremonial dump has taken place. If you've got to go, best to get in early. The havoc that several enthusiastic, yet unskilled, sportsman can wreck on a toilet is horrific.

The work break- We all know it happens, no one likes to talk about it. Unless you're not at work, and not with your work mates, in which case it's a never ending source of hilarity. Here's a great resource outlining the rules of 'deucing out' at work.

There's plenty more to cover on this topic, and I'm not going to pretend to understand why this fascinates chaps. All I know is that the first time my wife screws her nose up and refuses to use the crapper because the boy has logged out, my heart will swell with pride.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Commuting etiquette

After writing my chaos walkers post a few weeks ago, a couple of people suggested writing one on commuter etiquette.

Now although this post will take all of its examples from London, I think it's applicable for all metropolitan areas. So away we go-

The overground- This is the choice of transportation for most commuters living in the suburbs and further afield. When I say choice, I mean only solution, and usually last resort. There are many different train 'operating' companies, and each commuter will have their own tales of woe. My particular train company is the oft reported, and badly managed shower of shite, that is South Eastern. Their corporate tagline is 'make a connection'. The only connection you're likely to make is with the person next to you as you'll be stuck on the train with them for quite some time.

Talking- We all get the train every day, you may see me every day, we are not friends because of this. Do not talk to me, I am getting the train to work and the journey is the last of my time. If I want to read the metro or give myself tinnitus, that is my choice.

Music- 'You have amazing taste in music', how many times have strangers, or even your friends said this to you? I'll bet it's not often. That's because you don't. It's nothing personal but what you choose to listen to is shit. I'd expect you to think the same of my music, but I won't inflict it upon you. Turn it down.

Mobile phones- I have a mobile, I have spoken on a train. This is fine and I have no beef with it. Calls are short, to the point, and conducted in hushed tones. Wait, who's that in the next carriage spouting crap so loud that you can't help but get dragged into their woeful conversation? That's right it's mobile dickhead. Has phone, will talk.....rubbish.

Furniture- When I get to work I sit in a chair. When I get home I sit in chair. If I'm lucky, when I'm on the train I'll sit in chair. I know what a chair look likes, and it's not my fucking shoulder. Move your fat arse.

Newspapers- God bless the metro. I don't mind you reading over my shoulder, it's a long journey, and it's boring. Feel free. What's that? You've got a metro, you just want to rest it on my shoulders because your wrists aren't strong enough? Man up limp wrist. My shoulders are not a reading desk. Also is the train full to bursting? Is everyone nose to shoulder? Then sorry pal, the newspaper might have to wait.

Strategic seating- I get on the train and there's plenty of seats. Brilliant, I'll pick a good one. Who's sitting opposite me? It's 'rests feet on seat opposite' retard, and in the same carriage there's 'puts bag on seat next to them' twat. Guess what, both of these retards get grumpy when someone asks them to move. At peak times trains get overcrowded, always. Deal with it.

Moving down the carriage- As mentioned the train gets overcrowded. We all have to breath in and get a little closer. What's that? You don't want to move down? That's fine, then get out my way, and don't get the arse because I've asked you to move. Tit. Also platform dwellers, if I'm in the middle of the carriage and there are people in front, and behind me, banging on the window and shouting 'move down', as entertaining as it is, does dick all.

Ticket gate- Ticket in ticket shaped hole. That was easy, now I'm on the other side. Uh oh, ticket shaped hole isn't working, I know I'll go to the guard. Wait a second I can't, there's some dickhead right up my arsehole. Give it a yard people. Also if your ticket won't go in the hole, or deosn't work, the best idea is not to try it repeatedly. Once again, get out of my way.

The Tube- The ancient underground metal snake that swallows commuters and spits them out somewhere near their destination. Rarely updated, and when it is, it's normally several years after it should have been done. This is the choice of commuters who live either north of the river, or in several overpriced areas south of the river. It's pretty regular, and regularly delayed. It's also a law unto itself at the weekends.

Food- It's 2315 at night, you're heavily refreshed and you're eating some fried chicken. Good on you, you'll regret it but hey, it's not busy. It's 1715 in the afternoon, you're sober and you're eating some fried chicken. You're a dick.

Deodorant- Wake up, shower, spray, dress. Good work, your personal hygiene is on par with many other peoples. Wake up, go for a run maybe, rub some sort of dead animal under your armpits, put on a dirty rag. Nice one, you're on your way to stinking out a whole carriage, and some poor fucker who's stuck next to you.

Escalators- Left and right, telling the difference between the two is a remedial skill that most learn at primary school. Put this into practice when using the escalator. Left for walking, right for standing. It's really that simple. Now you're coming to the end of the escalator. In the recesses of you're Neanderthal mind you might have remembered several hundred other people behind you. Do us all a favour and don't stop the second the the escalator gets to the top. You might be lost and confused, everyone else isn't.

Oyster cards- The answer to ticket queuing issues. A simple touch system that allows instant access. So if you're repeatedly hammering your oyster vainly over and over again, and nothing is happening then it's not working. Once again, get out of the way.

Getting on and off- It's crowded and we're all packed in together. The tube has pulled up, and the doors have opened. People are going to want to get off. That means you're going to have to get off. Don't worry though YOU CAN GET BACK ON. Retard. Platform dwellers, people get on and OFF the tube. That means standing directly in their way when the doors open is a quick way to no where. You to are also a retard.

Pregnancy- You're here because a women got pregnant. Pregnant women are allowed to use public transport. They're uncomfortable, and generally not in a great mood. It's better for everyone if you move, every time.

Buses- Jamming up the roads at every opportunity, yet never there when you need one. The other choice for many commuters. The only choice for those not near enough to a station south of the river. A gamble after the last tube has finished. Bendy or otherwise, these red goliaths are always interesting but never fun. The wheels on the bus go round and round, not in London they don't.

Danger- it's after 12 at night, and you're on the night bus. You might not know it but you're on powder keg just waiting to go off. If you're in a group don't worry, there's safety in numbers. On your own? Try to look like you have nothing of value, and stare at your shoes until it's time to get off.

Here's a reminder of why buses are such a fun experience-

Thursday, 14 April 2011

King of crumpets- a visual journey

After talking about the benefits of bacon, I struck upon the idea of the ultimate crumpet. After seeing all sorts of toppings applied at work, jam, butter, and filthy peanut butter*, I decided to come up with the ultimate topping. Hover over the pictures for a guide.

Here is that journey-

There you go, crumpets made. Now sit back and toast your magnificence.

*To explain 'filthy' peanut butter- I don't like peanut butter, and it's my blog, so there. In my opinion peanut butter is filth. Obviously many of you will disagree, and that's fine, you keep your filth.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Bacon- a true super food

There's many pretenders to the throne. Lots of people will tell you that various fruits and vegetables are super foods, but these come and go with the seasons. Bacon is here forever.

So why is it a super food? The answer is another question, how many meals are made better by the addition of bacon? That's right, all of them. I know some smart arse will suggest chocolate cake can't be improved with bacon, and to him I say get fucked. I said meal, not food.

It's the versatility and adaptability that make bacon a true king. Lets look at some examples-

Roast chicken sandwich- the bread is nice a soft, the chicken surprisingly moist, and there's just the right amount of mayo. Couldn't get better, could it?

Yes it could, add bacon.

Cheese burger- the bun's been toasted lightly, the lettuce is crisp, the cheese is lightly melted, and the beefy patty is just the right side of medium. What more could you ask for?

That's right, bacon. Onion rings wouldn't go amiss either, but I digress.

Lasagne- the pasta sheets are crispy and soft where they should be, the mince is tangy and tomato-ey, the bechamel sauce is creamy, there's even a cheeky mushroom knocking about. Sounds good, no?

No- get some bacon in there.

Egg on toast- You've managed to get both eggs with runny yolks, the toast isn't burnt, and your brew's still warm. You're onto a winner, aren't you?

Not quite, where's the bacon? In fact chuck in a sausage and some black pudding and have a fry up, you big girl.

Beans on toast- easy to make, and the beans haven't stuck to the pan. You've even put some errant cheese on there. Can't go wrong eh?

Well you have done, get some bacon on the toast first. Hide it with beans and you've got a salty, porky surprise *ahem*.

Sausages- I know what you're saying, 'hang on, there's nothing wrong with a sausage. Back the fuck up!'

Well you're right there's nothing wrong with a sausage, but isn't it better with bacon wrapped around it? Pigs in blankets rule. If it was up to me, this would be the main event at Christmas. Double meat rules.

Salad- Firstly why are you having a salad? What's that you say? To impress a lady? Alright, I'll let it slide. You can still whack some bacon bits in there though.

Let's not forget that most meats can also be wrapped in bacon. Turkey a little dry? Wrap it in bacon. How's that chicken breast? If it's wrapped in bacon it's good.

There are many more examples of where bacon can be used to compliment any meal. So remember next time someone starts banging on about the wonders of pomegranate, smile and reach for the bacon.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Apollo 'Master of Disaster' Creed vs. Wan 'Short Round' Li

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so thought I'd give this one a go. It doesn't seem quite an even match up, but I think we'll find that these two are a lot more evenly matched than first appears. So without further ado, the first battle of the sidekicks-

Battle of the sidekicks

You'll get a better view if you download this.

A tough one I think you'll agree, but Short Round just pips it. Next up, if I ever get round to it, will be Robin vs. Penfold.

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