Friday, 29 April 2011

The art of shitting

Here's a warning, this is a very male orientated post, and women will not understand it. It's probably best not to read this whilst eating your lunch.

Now I suppose you're wondering why I decided to write this post? Well, it was because of my son. He's recently moved onto solid foods and this transition upset the delicate balance of his young guts. I could see the confusion on his face when he realised what was happening. It must have been scary for him. I had to talk him through his first motion and I found myself saying, 'don't worry boy, once this first ones done you'll wonder what the fuss was, you'll enjoy it'. It's the last part of this sentence that really struck a chord. Why do men enjoy a good dump? The good news is that once the boy had seen off several bum contractions and got through his arse labour he was smiling away.

So men have this strange obsession with shitting, and this is reflected in the films, tv, comics, and books we find funny. From that famous scene in Dumb & Dumber,

south park and Randy's effort-

to viz and its extensive arse related content, we can't get far from jokes about shitting.

Let's look at some of the rituals that men engage in, within the arena of crappage.

The hangover 'life affirmer'- You've had a heavy night on the sauce, you're up, have had breakfast and a cup of tea. The deceptive early morning feel good factor has worn off and you're deep in the midst of a terrible hangover. Suddenly the warning twitch kicks in, and it's not the time to gamble. After lighting the bum cigar you instantly feel refreshed and ready to start the day. Life is good, for a short while at least.

Pseudonyms for the act of shitting- For some reason this list goes on and on. Everyone has there favourites and many times like minded individuals have swapped their own, forming longer lists. Some of my favourites are- drowning an otter, laying a cable, snapping off a length of dirty spine, casting Churchill's reflecting, King Kong's finger, birthing the mud child, and of course an old favourite, dropping the kids off at the pool. There are many, many, more listed in such publications as the profanisaurus.

Pride- There is something very odd when turning round and looking into the bowl to see a behemoth staring back. There's a conflicting feeling of repulsion, normal, and pride, strange. It's always the pride that wins over. You almost want to call bystanders in to witness the magnificence of the waste you've created. An example of this was during university I had some very good friends studying at Derby. They explained that in their halls of residence flat they would often have competitions whereby once a deposit had been made flushing would not be allowed to occur until all had inspected it. The winner being the largest act of effluence.

The Sportsman- The bond of the changing room is strong, and in this confined space, with several hungover team mates, it's hard to avoid this call of nature. This has evolved to the point that some team mates can't take the field unless this ceremonial dump has taken place. If you've got to go, best to get in early. The havoc that several enthusiastic, yet unskilled, sportsman can wreck on a toilet is horrific.

The work break- We all know it happens, no one likes to talk about it. Unless you're not at work, and not with your work mates, in which case it's a never ending source of hilarity. Here's a great resource outlining the rules of 'deucing out' at work.

There's plenty more to cover on this topic, and I'm not going to pretend to understand why this fascinates chaps. All I know is that the first time my wife screws her nose up and refuses to use the crapper because the boy has logged out, my heart will swell with pride.


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