Friday, 22 April 2011

Commuting etiquette

After writing my chaos walkers post a few weeks ago, a couple of people suggested writing one on commuter etiquette.

Now although this post will take all of its examples from London, I think it's applicable for all metropolitan areas. So away we go-


The overground- This is the choice of transportation for most commuters living in the suburbs and further afield. When I say choice, I mean only solution, and usually last resort. There are many different train 'operating' companies, and each commuter will have their own tales of woe. My particular train company is the oft reported, and badly managed shower of shite, that is South Eastern. Their corporate tagline is 'make a connection'. The only connection you're likely to make is with the person next to you as you'll be stuck on the train with them for quite some time.

Talking- We all get the train every day, you may see me every day, we are not friends because of this. Do not talk to me, I am getting the train to work and the journey is the last of my time. If I want to read the metro or give myself tinnitus, that is my choice.

Music- 'You have amazing taste in music', how many times have strangers, or even your friends said this to you? I'll bet it's not often. That's because you don't. It's nothing personal but what you choose to listen to is shit. I'd expect you to think the same of my music, but I won't inflict it upon you. Turn it down.

Mobile phones- I have a mobile, I have spoken on a train. This is fine and I have no beef with it. Calls are short, to the point, and conducted in hushed tones. Wait, who's that in the next carriage spouting crap so loud that you can't help but get dragged into their woeful conversation? That's right it's mobile dickhead. Has phone, will talk.....rubbish.

Furniture- When I get to work I sit in a chair. When I get home I sit in chair. If I'm lucky, when I'm on the train I'll sit in chair. I know what a chair look likes, and it's not my fucking shoulder. Move your fat arse.

Newspapers- God bless the metro. I don't mind you reading over my shoulder, it's a long journey, and it's boring. Feel free. What's that? You've got a metro, you just want to rest it on my shoulders because your wrists aren't strong enough? Man up limp wrist. My shoulders are not a reading desk. Also is the train full to bursting? Is everyone nose to shoulder? Then sorry pal, the newspaper might have to wait.

Strategic seating- I get on the train and there's plenty of seats. Brilliant, I'll pick a good one. Who's sitting opposite me? It's 'rests feet on seat opposite' retard, and in the same carriage there's 'puts bag on seat next to them' twat. Guess what, both of these retards get grumpy when someone asks them to move. At peak times trains get overcrowded, always. Deal with it.

Moving down the carriage- As mentioned the train gets overcrowded. We all have to breath in and get a little closer. What's that? You don't want to move down? That's fine, then get out my way, and don't get the arse because I've asked you to move. Tit. Also platform dwellers, if I'm in the middle of the carriage and there are people in front, and behind me, banging on the window and shouting 'move down', as entertaining as it is, does dick all.

Ticket gate- Ticket in ticket shaped hole. That was easy, now I'm on the other side. Uh oh, ticket shaped hole isn't working, I know I'll go to the guard. Wait a second I can't, there's some dickhead right up my arsehole. Give it a yard people. Also if your ticket won't go in the hole, or deosn't work, the best idea is not to try it repeatedly. Once again, get out of my way.


The Tube- The ancient underground metal snake that swallows commuters and spits them out somewhere near their destination. Rarely updated, and when it is, it's normally several years after it should have been done. This is the choice of commuters who live either north of the river, or in several overpriced areas south of the river. It's pretty regular, and regularly delayed. It's also a law unto itself at the weekends.

Food- It's 2315 at night, you're heavily refreshed and you're eating some fried chicken. Good on you, you'll regret it but hey, it's not busy. It's 1715 in the afternoon, you're sober and you're eating some fried chicken. You're a dick.

Deodorant- Wake up, shower, spray, dress. Good work, your personal hygiene is on par with many other peoples. Wake up, go for a run maybe, rub some sort of dead animal under your armpits, put on a dirty rag. Nice one, you're on your way to stinking out a whole carriage, and some poor fucker who's stuck next to you.

Escalators- Left and right, telling the difference between the two is a remedial skill that most learn at primary school. Put this into practice when using the escalator. Left for walking, right for standing. It's really that simple. Now you're coming to the end of the escalator. In the recesses of you're Neanderthal mind you might have remembered several hundred other people behind you. Do us all a favour and don't stop the second the the escalator gets to the top. You might be lost and confused, everyone else isn't.

Oyster cards- The answer to ticket queuing issues. A simple touch system that allows instant access. So if you're repeatedly hammering your oyster vainly over and over again, and nothing is happening then it's not working. Once again, get out of the way.

Getting on and off- It's crowded and we're all packed in together. The tube has pulled up, and the doors have opened. People are going to want to get off. That means you're going to have to get off. Don't worry though YOU CAN GET BACK ON. Retard. Platform dwellers, people get on and OFF the tube. That means standing directly in their way when the doors open is a quick way to no where. You to are also a retard.

Pregnancy- You're here because a women got pregnant. Pregnant women are allowed to use public transport. They're uncomfortable, and generally not in a great mood. It's better for everyone if you move, every time.


Buses- Jamming up the roads at every opportunity, yet never there when you need one. The other choice for many commuters. The only choice for those not near enough to a station south of the river. A gamble after the last tube has finished. Bendy or otherwise, these red goliaths are always interesting but never fun. The wheels on the bus go round and round, not in London they don't.

Danger- it's after 12 at night, and you're on the night bus. You might not know it but you're on powder keg just waiting to go off. If you're in a group don't worry, there's safety in numbers. On your own? Try to look like you have nothing of value, and stare at your shoes until it's time to get off.

Here's a reminder of why buses are such a fun experience-











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