Friday, 3 June 2011

Rocky- the peacemaker

We all know that Rocky IV was the film that ended the cold war. Rocky's ability to humiliate a national champion, in his own backyard, by getting his head smashed about, appeals to the people. As such they backed him and as the great man said,

As usual this got me thinking, if Rocky could end that conflict, what other conflicts could Rocky have ended?

So without further ado-

World War 1- As any A-level history student will tell you the Great War started when the Scottish band Franz Ferdinand were assassinated in Sarajevo by a discontent young man called Gav. Gav belonged to an organisation of assassins called the Black Hand.

The Black Hand was run by, among others, Capt. Dragutin Dimitrijević, a perfect bad guy name if ever I saw one.

How would Rocky resolve this? That's easy. In 1903 the Black Hand were allegedly responsible for the death of King Alexander 1 of Serbia and his consort, Draga. Draga's a bit like Drago and that's enough for Rocky to get involved.

Undoubtedly Rocky would use the Alps as a training base, running up an improbably high mountain and screaming 'Gav' at the top of his voice. Gav being the champion of the Black Hand.

Cue fight time and Rocky simply gets the shit kicked out of him for 14 rounds by Dragutin's steroid inflated champion Gav. Then in the last round Rocky stages and improbable yet totally believable recovery to win the fight.

Rocky's post fight interview would bring the crowd to it's feet and Dragutin, realising the nobility of 'just getting on', would start a slow clap.

And he'd probably not want to assassinate anyone any more.

World War 2- This one started when Adolf got a bit claustrophobic and decided to increase his, and his nations, lebensraum. Nice and easy so far, Adolf's the big man in charge, but who would his champion be? A champion that ultimately will get tired of beating seven shades out of a suspected retarded American, and lose, but in the process win the hearts and minds of a nation.

It's no mean feat. Looking at Hitler's command structure it would have to be without a doubt the bald mechanic that gets into a fight with Indy in Raiders. He's got the build of a fighter and the 'Bavarian tenacity' to take Rocky on. We also know he likes a pagga.

I couldn't find a decent clip on YouTube, but I did find this-

The route Rocky would take is to train in the Bavarian Alps. Probably by running up one of them, and lifting all sorts of farmyard machinery. Once he's ready he'll get to the end of one of his mountain runs, reach the top, and bellow 'German mechanic #1'.

Rocky would then tactically engaged Hitler's champion by soaking up punishment for 14 rounds. In the 15th he'd make a Lazurus-esque comeback and defeat the mechanic.

Seeing this, Hitler would realise that perhaps his ideas of a master race were incorrect. Rocky would have saved the lives of 50+ million people, and the mechanic. Hearts on fire indeed.

The Vietnam War- Rambo covered this one. Take a blow Rocky.

The Cold War- See Rocky IV.

The War on Terror- Unfortunately we'll never know on this one. If only Osama hadn't fired first. Apparently. I'm pretty sure Rocky would have solved this through intense negotiation and diplomatic sanctions.

No doubt he would have located Osama a long time ago whilst running up one of the mountains he was hidden in.

Libyan conflict- Gaddafi is up to a bit of mischief, impishly slaughtering his own people. He's doing this because the Libyan people want a bit of democracy. They'll want the moon on a stick next.

Obviously Rocky knows that democracy is freedom, as this is the American way. This is enough to take on the one and only Bilal El-Masri, Libya's national boxing hope. When I say national boxing hope I mean the only Libyan boxer I could find after several protracted google searches.

Rocky will get up and down the mountain, screaming out Bilal's name at the summit. He'd struggle through 14 rounds of punishment at the hands of the Libyan light welter-weight, and then somehow come back to knock his opponent out.

This dramatic victory will convince Gaddafi to hold democratic elections for his people and bow down gracefully.

Peace doesn't come easy, and Rocky knows this. There is no easy way out.

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