Friday, 24 June 2011

Summer Traditions- BBQ

Official the UK is now in the midst of summer, and with the expectant weather (and subsequent weather warnings- drought/flood, delete as applicable) thoughts turn to the ancient art of burning meat on a fire.

Is there any activity more manly than a BBQ? Properly not, only DIY and proper car maintenance come close, and let's face it most of us get our dads to this nowadays.

So onto the BBQ itself. I've broken it down into it's composite parts and without further ado on we do-


It's more than likely a couple of them will be present. Whatever you do, do not let them cook. A BBQ is the domain of man. Luckily most women will you get on with it, they'll even do the salad, but I'll come on to that.


A key component. The more the better. You'll go to some BBQ's with a plethora of different meats and marinades, this isn't necessarily required. Burgers and snags are good enough, the key is the amount of meat.

Whenever you have a BBQ as a man you need to eat an unhealthy amount of red meat. Chicken and fish is optional, but if it's on the BBQ you need to eat it. It is your duty to eat at least one of every meat on offer.


Meat is good. Bread is good. Meat and bread is better. Be careful not to overfill on bread, but otherwise as much 'bunly goodness' as you can handle is required. It's often overlooked but a BBQ needs bread.


'You don't win friends with salad'- this is a fact. Luckily the women I mentioned early will make a huge bowl of this. It will largely remain untouched and slowly wilt in the sun. Still it gives her something to do.

Any gent tucking into the salad is likely to 'throw a light dart'.


Ketchup and mayo are fundamentals here. However a well stocked selection of sauces marks you as a man of distinction. Get the 'BBQ' variations out, and the booze flavoured ones. It's also important to have one sauce that is the spiciest, hottest available. At least one bloke will try this on his burger as a statement of his manliness. After this the sauce will probably remain untouched.


Whether you like it or not you will be judged by the quality of utensils you use.

The chap that just re-purposes standard kitchen equipment is at the lower end of the ladder. The guy that has a stainless steel case, akin to something out of a spy film, holding space aged utensils (many of which will not be used) will be at the top of the ladder.

Go bold, buy big, rarely use them.


Meat and beer go hand in hand. Drink long, drink hard. The chef should also drink hard. Women come in handy again here, as they are very good at ferrying beer from fridge to grill.

A cool box is a handy addition. Also generic beer is fine, but large litre bottles of continental or exotic beer will mark you as someone that is not there to fuck about.


Damn you to hell rain, i will have my bbq!

When you think BBQ, you think glorious sunshine. Well you live in the UK which means you are shit out of luck. On any given day, if you have planned a BBQ it will rain. If you haven't it'll be glorious.

The only way to circumvent this is to go spontaneous, even then it rarely works.

Type of BBQ

It's charcoal or gas rally isn't it? There are two camps, those that believe there is a taste difference and those that don't give a shit. I'm the latter so let's move on.


Not on the BBQ itself, but after the BBQ. This is an optional extra, but some of the best BBQ's end in a spontaneous semi-dangerous inferno.

Enjoy your BBQ, if it isn't raining!

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