Saturday, 30 July 2011

Summer Traditions- The Stag Do

Another blog in my series of summer traditions following cricket and weddings, it's time to tackle the stag do.

Although not strictly the preserve of summer, they do seem to occur more frequently during the summer months. So drawing from my own experiences here's a run down of the required elements-

Bonding Activity- This is a chance for the 'stags' to get to know each other. A level of 'banter' will naturally be reached and essentially it should be something used to keep people of the booze for a couple of hours. It will ensure that everyone gets through to the evening ready to get properly bladdered.

Acceptable activities are-

Driving something
Firing some kind of projectile

Anything that's competitive can help with banter later in the evening.

Unacceptable activities are-

Alcohol tasting
Boat trips
Anything where you don't do much

If an activity doesn't stop you drinking, sometimes it encourages it. This will only lead to problems later on.


An essential. Eating is cheating is not applicable on a stag do. Filling the stomach is key. Ideally one sitting is best giving everyone the opportunity to gorge. Filling up after a couple of beers will extend the evening and allow everyone the chance of lasting the night.

Acceptable foods-

Meat products
Bread products

Unacceptable foods-



An integral part of the stag do. Normally it starts sensibly with everyone on lager, and ends in chaos with everyone on shots and possibly recreational drugs (especially if you've gone to Amsterdam).

There are two accepted methods of buying booze on a stag do. The first tends to occur on stag do's that are based domestically, the whip. Nice and easy, everyone chucks in a score and drinks are purchased until the whip runs dry. Then you go round again. The whip tends to run out quicker as the night goes on as more elaborate drinks are purchased.

The other method tends to occur on stag do's abroad. People form groups as they buy rounds. The difference is that when abroad, regardless of the exchange rate, everyone thinks they are spending money from the bank of toyland. At the bar, with a queue forming behind them, men spend crumpled notes thinking it's worthless bumwad. This is usually why men returning from foreign do's are broken, and broke.


My wife will more than likely read this, so i'll deal with it in an honest a forthright manner.

Strippers can be used for a variety of uses from cleaning paint brushers, thinning paint, and getting stubborn stains from masonry.

Pardon, other strippers? I don't know what you mean. They're women that do what?! I don't believe you, that doesn't happen any more does it? I'm genuinely stunned.

Entertaining stories-

These are tales that are usually only shared between the participants of the stag. They range from people sleeping in hallways, sometimes naked, to telling your friends that when drunk they resemble sex pests.

And remember should you ever have to open your hotel room door to, a naked, father of the groom at four in the morning consider it character building, rather than scarring.


To be honest this doesn't really factor that high, if you can sleep, you've done well. The key is not to go to sleep first. Going to sleep first will open you up to all sorts of abuse.


The Wedding-

Phew, you made it. At the wedding the golden rule is that what happened on the stag, stays on the stag. Sensitive conversation should only be initiated by the groom, or in safe circumstances.



Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Harry Potter can get fucked.

Harry Potter fans, do not read on. This one isn't for you.

I'm quite proud that I have neither watched, or read any of the Harry Potter stories. I'm quite the geek, but for some reason this never appealed to me so I gave it a miss. I realise that by having no actual frame of reference it makes it difficult for me to constructively criticise it.

Fuck that. This is my blog, and therefore my rules. In a completely biased, unfounded, and one-sided thought process, here's my reason for disliking Harry Potter-

1. Harry Potter looks like a pussy-

Whether you look at the images on the cover of books, or Radcliffe gurning his way through another performance, nothing about Harry says that I couldn't have him in a fight. I am in no way the fighting type.

The sad fact is that Harry looks like he'd struggle to fight his way out of a wet paper bag. How he's not been killed (other than the will of Rowling) is beyond me.

2. What's with the glasses?

Harry is magic, apparently. Surely there's a spell to fix eyesight? Why not use it? Potter fans will probably cite some code of ethics that the good guys have to abide by when using magic, but come on, it's not like he's using it to get laid.

Alternatively what about contact lenses? Last time I checked they weren't magic.

3. Friends with a ginger

Let me clarify this. When I was at school there were two types of gingers. There was the larger than life, balls out, rock star type. Friends with everyone, drank, smoke, and took drugs. They were cool. Then there were the gingers who ate mud and openly admitted to enjoying Warhammer games and products.

You tell me which one you think Harry is friends with. Exactly.

4. He lets said ginger bang the broad

Coming from a zero knowledge base this is a pretty weak point, but from what I gather there isn't much in the way of action in Hogwarts. He allows his mate, Ron, to get it on with the top bit of scruff. Charitable you might initially think, but he revenges sleeps with Ron's younger sister.....and knocks her up.

What's he thinking? I have a rouge tinted wife and the anxiety and concern that our first born might also be a red top kept me up at night. It's not like they're werewolves, you can't kill the 'head ginger' and return them to normal.

5. Voldemort has no face

This guy is supposed to be supremely powerful, even cheating death. Can't he magic up a nose? Do a Google image search for him. It looks like he's perpetually trapped in a pair of tights following an armed robbery.

6. Broomsticks, really?

They all have to have broomsticks to get about. Not only that but if you don't have the right brand of broomstick you'll suffer. It's just like the kids at school who had to make do with 'nicks' trainers.

Isn't this a little clich├ęd? Why not a magic carpet? Or a transporter? Beam me up, erm...big wizard with the beard.

7. Wands. Yep, that's right, wands.

Last time I checked magicians used wands, and wizards used rods or staffs. So is Harry more Paul Daniels than Gandalf? Certainly looks that way. I know that Gandalf would have a lot more trouble on his hands if he only had a wand.

8. Daniel Radcliffe

By selecting Radcliffe as the face of Potter they instantly put me against it. His face annoys me. Much in the same way that Brosnan in Bond never washed with me, this is the same case. This is of course a very personal view and I don't think that J. K. Rowling will care whilst she rolls around in big piles of money. Not that she did any of this for the money of course.

So that's my highly unstable, one-sided view of the situation. Harry Potter can get fucked. I'll stick to Lord of the Rings and Star Wars for my nerdish leanings.

Hang on....there is one redeeming thing about Harry Potter. Ian Brown is in it.

That's it though.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Star Wars brands

As we live more of our lives in the digital world, it enables people to further blur the lines between reality and our favourite fiction.

I love Star Wars and so I love it when people do the following. I'm also lazy and can't be bothered to write a proper blog this week, so-

Thanks to Shortlist and this guy for finding and creating it respectively.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Summer Traditions- it's a trap

The title may not give it away, but this is actually about weddings. I just liked the idea of using a star wars quote.

Although not strictly a summer event, more than often, most weddings take place during the summer. When most men reach a certain age it seems you can't move for weddings during a 3 to 4 year period. Usually this is due to one of your old mates taking the plunge first, therefore allowing your better half to exert further pressure. Everyone has a breaking point.


There seems to be a dual trend in wedding locations. There are those that are easy to find, and there are those that are located in the most remote, hard to find, places. Both types of location are great in their own right.

The key to any location regardless of where it is, is making it difficult to find. If your guests arrive on time, and unflustered, your directions were too comprehensive.

The day-

There are actually two days at work here. The groom's day, and the bride's day. The bride's day is tense and full of nerves. She's worried about how she looks, how the venue looks, and whether the guests are having a good time.

The groom is mainly worried about having too many sneaky pints before the service. He's also concerned with the astronomic hole burnt into his overdraft. He's given up on comparing the cost of the wedding to actual physical assets like televisions, consoles, and houses. It's just too surreal.

Another pint? I shouldn't really....go on then.

The speech-

There are lots of speeches at weddings, but everyone's only waiting for one...the best man's.

There's a lot of pressure to get it right, and it should be easy. It's one of those occasions when everyone in the room is actually willing you to succeed.

It's also an opportunity to stitch the groom up. You'll get few opportunities in life to really drop someone in it, in an environment where there is almost no fall back. Don't bring up stuff regarding the happy couple, but if the groom's got a secret he's kept from the parents, like crashing their car, or accidentally burning down the shed, now's the time to reveal all.

Bask in your power, the groom's twitching, and beading faster than a hippy at Woodstock. His old man is grinning through clenched teeth.

Remember don't make the groom your best man, or expect revenge.

The reception-

Everyone's fed and watered once, it's now time to really get your booze on. You'll have some form of entertainment, usually a DJ, or even a band. It doesn't really matter, as long as there's a tune for people to drunkenly shuffle to.

As if a wedding wasn't already a money pit, you've got to think about evening food. Luckily most people are planning to get shit faced so meat in a bun will suffice. The best meat in a bun comes in the form of a hog roast. What about vegetarians I here you say? I did mention buns, didn't I?

The bacon-

Not the meat product, but a derogatory term for women that's currently knocking around the cricket club. As the groom, if you only pick one day to toe the line, this is it. To you no one is more attractive than your blushing bride.

Best man, groom's men, father of the bride, and any other male guests, married or otherwise, will at some point discuss the quality of bacon on offer. Obviously you can't control this, but it's better to be Danepak then Aldi's own.

The booze-

This is an easy one. If you have a significant role in the wedding you just need to keep your faculties until that moment's past. Best man? Your speech. Groom? The ceremony, speech, first dance, and cutting the cake. Unmarried Uncle? Just arrive drunk.

That doesn't mean you can't drink, but if you like a lager top it's probably best to go easy.

The dancing-

I think this is where the concept of 'dad dancing' originated. It's a rare event where your off spring are likely to see you dance, and like wise you'll see your parents dance. It's one of those cross generational events. The horrifying thing is you don't even see it coming. One minute you're throwing the right type of shapes in a night club, the next you're lunging incoherently at a wedding. That's just the way it is.

Count yourself lucky though. The groom has to dance whether he wants to or not. He'll probably start of smiling and happy. He picked most of the song list, the hard parts out of the way, he's had a beer, he's got a face on, and he's in the zone. Soon however he'll realise he can't just leave when the songs get feminine. If the wife is there so is he. By the end of the night they'll be a tired, sweaty, pale, wraith, counting down the minutes until he can leave and maybe have another beer. How did he not know his wife was a dancing machine?

Of course the above very rarely happens at all weddings. Normally it's a few points here and there.

Enjoy your next wedding, and spare a thought for the groom....actually don't, he asked to be there.

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