Friday, 1 July 2011

Summer Traditions- it's a trap

The title may not give it away, but this is actually about weddings. I just liked the idea of using a star wars quote.

Although not strictly a summer event, more than often, most weddings take place during the summer. When most men reach a certain age it seems you can't move for weddings during a 3 to 4 year period. Usually this is due to one of your old mates taking the plunge first, therefore allowing your better half to exert further pressure. Everyone has a breaking point.

Location-



There seems to be a dual trend in wedding locations. There are those that are easy to find, and there are those that are located in the most remote, hard to find, places. Both types of location are great in their own right.

The key to any location regardless of where it is, is making it difficult to find. If your guests arrive on time, and unflustered, your directions were too comprehensive.

The day-

There are actually two days at work here. The groom's day, and the bride's day. The bride's day is tense and full of nerves. She's worried about how she looks, how the venue looks, and whether the guests are having a good time.


The groom is mainly worried about having too many sneaky pints before the service. He's also concerned with the astronomic hole burnt into his overdraft. He's given up on comparing the cost of the wedding to actual physical assets like televisions, consoles, and houses. It's just too surreal.

Another pint? I shouldn't really....go on then.

The speech-

There are lots of speeches at weddings, but everyone's only waiting for one...the best man's.

There's a lot of pressure to get it right, and it should be easy. It's one of those occasions when everyone in the room is actually willing you to succeed.

It's also an opportunity to stitch the groom up. You'll get few opportunities in life to really drop someone in it, in an environment where there is almost no fall back. Don't bring up stuff regarding the happy couple, but if the groom's got a secret he's kept from the parents, like crashing their car, or accidentally burning down the shed, now's the time to reveal all.



Bask in your power, the groom's twitching, and beading faster than a hippy at Woodstock. His old man is grinning through clenched teeth.

Remember don't make the groom your best man, or expect revenge.

The reception-

Everyone's fed and watered once, it's now time to really get your booze on. You'll have some form of entertainment, usually a DJ, or even a band. It doesn't really matter, as long as there's a tune for people to drunkenly shuffle to.



As if a wedding wasn't already a money pit, you've got to think about evening food. Luckily most people are planning to get shit faced so meat in a bun will suffice. The best meat in a bun comes in the form of a hog roast. What about vegetarians I here you say? I did mention buns, didn't I?

The bacon-



Not the meat product, but a derogatory term for women that's currently knocking around the cricket club. As the groom, if you only pick one day to toe the line, this is it. To you no one is more attractive than your blushing bride.



Best man, groom's men, father of the bride, and any other male guests, married or otherwise, will at some point discuss the quality of bacon on offer. Obviously you can't control this, but it's better to be Danepak then Aldi's own.

The booze-



This is an easy one. If you have a significant role in the wedding you just need to keep your faculties until that moment's past. Best man? Your speech. Groom? The ceremony, speech, first dance, and cutting the cake. Unmarried Uncle? Just arrive drunk.

That doesn't mean you can't drink, but if you like a lager top it's probably best to go easy.

The dancing-

I think this is where the concept of 'dad dancing' originated. It's a rare event where your off spring are likely to see you dance, and like wise you'll see your parents dance. It's one of those cross generational events. The horrifying thing is you don't even see it coming. One minute you're throwing the right type of shapes in a night club, the next you're lunging incoherently at a wedding. That's just the way it is.



Count yourself lucky though. The groom has to dance whether he wants to or not. He'll probably start of smiling and happy. He picked most of the song list, the hard parts out of the way, he's had a beer, he's got a face on, and he's in the zone. Soon however he'll realise he can't just leave when the songs get feminine. If the wife is there so is he. By the end of the night they'll be a tired, sweaty, pale, wraith, counting down the minutes until he can leave and maybe have another beer. How did he not know his wife was a dancing machine?

Of course the above very rarely happens at all weddings. Normally it's a few points here and there.

Enjoy your next wedding, and spare a thought for the groom....actually don't, he asked to be there.







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