Friday, 19 August 2011

Terrible bad guys

Over the course of the past two decades or so I've seen a fair few films. Some have been good (The Empire Strikes Back), some have been bad (Moulin Rouge). I'm not here to talk about that.

What I am going to talk about is those films, not necessarily bad in themselves, that have terrible bad guys.

These bad guys will either just be a bit shit, or just look entirely out of place in the film, or both.

This is also by no means a definitive list. There is, after all, a lot of shit out there.

Bennett from Commando

Bennett is an ex-Captain, dishonourably discharged from John Matrix's command. He was a highly skilled military soldier. Looking at him in this film it's clear he's let himself go.

The issues I have with Bennett are:

-he's super chunky, not a bad thing but doesn't wash given his supposed past
-he's super Australian, not in a manly way but the camp way that just doesn't sit well
-he looks a bit like Freddie Mercury
-he thinks a chain mail wifebeater is adequate day wear

Bennett does give it his all in being a bad guy but just comes off as a pantomime villain.

John Travolta in Battlefield Earth & Swordfish

Both very different films, but very similar bad guys in being a bit crap. In the first Johnny plays a large humanoid alien with suspect hair. In the second Johnny plays a large dick with suspect hair.

The issues I have are:

-John Travolta acts badly
-Both have ridiculous hair cuts
-Both are in positions of power, yet have no redeemable qualities to justify said positions

Apart from some genuine mental instability (is this Travolta or acting?) neither seem particularly threatening.

Mr Freeze from Batman & Robin

In the comics Mr Freeze was a great bad guy, ranking in at #67 in IGN's top 100 comic book villains.

The issues:

-Complete disregard for the laws of all three major sciences

In Batman & Robin he was a campy, pun spinning wanker. The best, or worst of them being "Ice to see you". As a bad guy he could only scare a superhero in a nipple suit.

Poison Ivy from Batman & Robin

Arguably I'm picking on Batman & Robin, but it was dog turd. So this is second villain in my list from this film.

The issues with Ivy:

-Uma has too many clothes on (seriously, check the comic books)
-Thwarted by fake rubber lips
-Everything about Batman & Robin is turd

Ivy introduces us to Bane, who himself is guff, but is spared my tongue this time, and tries to rule Gotham with fancy poisons, powders, and kisses. She's thwarted by a fake pair of rubber lips. I need say no more.

Vigo from Ghostbusters 2

Vigo the Carpathian was a bag full of hot air.

My issues with Vigo:

-He lives in a painting
-He is not a god
-He is a twat

Spending the majority of the film stuck in a self portrait he gathers power from 'mood slime', which resembles bubble bath. Ghostbusters 2 would have been a great film, if it had a different villain.

Tommy Gunn from Rocky V

Poor old Tommy. He just couldn't see what was happening around him. The tragedy is that this also played out in parallel during his real boxing career.

The issues with Tommy:

-He's a 'knuckle head'
-He shows Rocky no respect, no respect at all I tells ya
-He's another husky chap, who's supposed to be an athlete at the top of his game

'The Machine Gunn' was never really the villain of the piece, it was actually Duke, but the fact that he fell for the patter, and then went head to head with the man that got him the title, means he deserves his place in the rogues gallery.

Juggernaut from X Men: The Last Stand

Even before the film Juggernauts a poor bad guy. He's essentially a big bloke with a helmet.


-Helmet is his strength (fnarr, fnarr, guffaw)
-Played by Vinnie Jones in a muscle suit
-Played by Vinnie Jones

His 'power' is being stacked. In the film his ability is the inability to be stopped once he starts running. That's pretty guff.

M Night Shamalamadingdong's natural phenomenons from whatever new 100 minute pile of shit he's put together

I suggest you read the plot to this film on Wikipedia. You'll be as amazed as me that it was actually funded and made.


-Plants decide enough is enough
-They use a defence mechanism they've always had, but use it as this point, instead of the millions of other occasions we've fucked them over
-All plant life contains undiscovered toxins
-The effects of the toxin are suicide

I'd also suggest donating to this site, at current exchange rates it's only £0.63.

In the interest of your boredom, and my waning desire to continue, these eight will have to do you for now. Feel free to suggest any more.

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