Friday, 23 September 2011

Dickhead radar

Everyone has a dickhead radar. Some are more fine tuned than others. Others are tweaked to pick out certain traits that others would not.

What is a fact is that everyone throughout the course of their live has met a dickhead. What most people don't realise is that they probably knew the person was a dickhead before they actually spoke to them.

Dickhead radar is a result of evolution, a protective shield against influences in our lives, that would otherwise be harmful. Sometimes it's wrong, sometimes it's not quite spot on. Most of the time it does a job without you even realising it.

It's also important to realise that you, and I, are dickheads. It's tough to swallow. The fact is that to someone, somewhere, we each have the exact traits that would qualify us as a dickhead to that person. Accept it.

There are grades to this scale though. Thus this post. On we go then-

Bit of a twat/cock/dick- These are pretty harmless individuals, who most of the time are pretty entertaining. Most of us, at sometime or another will fall into this category. For example, when discussing a friend you might say, 'Shane's a bit of a cock, but he's alright'. To be human is to be a 'bit of a dick'.

It must be made clear that the 'bit of a' is vital. A cock/twat/dick is an entirely different thing.

Dicksplash- This is a step up. Generally a 'bit of a cock' will do something that elevates them to 'dicksplash' for a set period of time. That period of time can be dependent of on the person that labels the 'dicksplash'. No one is a 'dicksplash' all of the time.

Cockend- This is the permanent version of a 'dicksplash' as is more to do with character. Whereas a 'dicksplash' has earned the moniker through his actions, a 'cockend' is just a 'cockend'. 'Cockend's' are still good people, they just display behaviour that consistently gets them and they're friends into trouble.

'Cockend's' are generally found in isolation in larger social groups.

Twat/Cock/Dick- Now we take a real step up. Rather than being accepted, you are more likely to be shunned. Your actions have lead you down a road that leaves you ignored. 'Should we call Shane?', 'no, he's a proper cock'.

Generally you'll have achieved this rank as you are oblivious to the actions you have taken to receive this label.

Arsehole- Creeping to the other side of the taint, we get to 'arsehole'. Generally an arsehole is aware that the consequence of his actions will result in this label, but will do it anyway. A good example is any premiership referee.

Dickhead- Finally we get to full blown dickhead. Said in the right way this can cut to the bone. It's the pinnacle of social exclusion. Thinking about the physics of it you can understand why. A 'bit of a cock' is just that. Again, a 'cockend' in other parlance is nothing more than a 'helmet'. A 'twat/cock', or 'arsehole', is just what it is, it can't help it's nature. One fucks stuff, and the other shits it all up. A 'dickhead' though? Well they're just like you and me, except they've got a dick on their head. They act like us, yet still wade in and fuck stuff.
Mr. Dicky Dick Head and bokehme

To achieve the status of 'dickhead' means that not only will you be aware of your actions, and do it anyway, you'll also revel in it. Good examples are Joey Barton, Robbie Savage, Harry Redknapp, and Piers Morgan.

I'll quickly make reference to the 'c-bomb'. This sits on another scale, the 'insults that women really don't like' scale.

Saturday, 10 September 2011

An open letter to George Lucas

Dear George,

I hope you're well. I'm good, the weather could be better, but I can't complain. How's the ranch?

I thought I'd take the opportunity to drop you a note on the cusp of the launch of the Star Wars saga on blu-ray. I'm sure you're excited about it, and looking forward to some bumper sales figures.

Who wouldn't want to see Star Wars in crisp definition?

I'm sorry, that's a loaded question. Before anything else, I'd like to say thanks. Thanks for making sci-fi cool. Thanks for creating such a rich universe. Thanks for uniting stoners and geeks alike. Thanks for Han. Thanks for the gold bikini. Thanks for light sabers. Thanks for Vader. Thanks for the Falcon. Thanks for Yoda (puppet version). Thanks for space fights. Thanks for the force. Thanks for Boba, and why not, Jango too. Thanks for the rancor. Thanks for AT-ATs. Thanks for stormtroopers. Thanks for creating, and realising such a unique cosmos in all its low tech glory.

Well done, you should be proud. You've changed lives. Obviously not in a deep meaningful way, but you've changed them none-the-less.

However (come on, you knew this coming), what happened George? You had your second stab at the new trilogy. You played with your toys, you used some CG, for the most, we forgave you. You then went back to the original trilogy. You just couldn't leave it alone, could you? Why? Why George?

Well you've done it, and we've all got the DVDs to prove it. I'll even watch the DVD if I just want a quick blast. However if I want the true experience I'll fire up the VHS. Why? Because HAN SHOT FIRST. That's how you wrote it George. Have the courage of your convictions.

So please George, can you release the original cuts on blu-ray? I'd like to see the films, as ORIGINALLY INTENDED, in crisp blu-ray.

That means Han blowing Greedo away (he deserves it), no bloody stormtroopers on dewbacks, no Jabba outside the Falcon, the old shit fireworks at the end of Jedi, Sebastian Shaw as Anakin's ghost, proper explosions in space (they wouldn't exist anyway so why mess with it?), and all the low tech glory that we wistfully remember.

Most fans will buy this anyway. We can't stay away from your carefully realised space crack, but you could give us the originals. We'll all buy that.

Don't spoil your legacy George. You've tarnished Indy already, you seem to be trying your hardest with Star Wars. Give us the originals in a box set, and we'll forgive your bubblegum excursions with the animated toot you're currently peddling.

I love your work George. Or at least I loved it. Let me know if you're going to release the classics, i'll save my money for then.

Kind regards

The Man Blog

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