Friday, 23 September 2011

Dickhead radar

Everyone has a dickhead radar. Some are more fine tuned than others. Others are tweaked to pick out certain traits that others would not.

What is a fact is that everyone throughout the course of their live has met a dickhead. What most people don't realise is that they probably knew the person was a dickhead before they actually spoke to them.

Dickhead radar is a result of evolution, a protective shield against influences in our lives, that would otherwise be harmful. Sometimes it's wrong, sometimes it's not quite spot on. Most of the time it does a job without you even realising it.

It's also important to realise that you, and I, are dickheads. It's tough to swallow. The fact is that to someone, somewhere, we each have the exact traits that would qualify us as a dickhead to that person. Accept it.

There are grades to this scale though. Thus this post. On we go then-

Bit of a twat/cock/dick- These are pretty harmless individuals, who most of the time are pretty entertaining. Most of us, at sometime or another will fall into this category. For example, when discussing a friend you might say, 'Shane's a bit of a cock, but he's alright'. To be human is to be a 'bit of a dick'.

It must be made clear that the 'bit of a' is vital. A cock/twat/dick is an entirely different thing.

Dicksplash- This is a step up. Generally a 'bit of a cock' will do something that elevates them to 'dicksplash' for a set period of time. That period of time can be dependent of on the person that labels the 'dicksplash'. No one is a 'dicksplash' all of the time.

Cockend- This is the permanent version of a 'dicksplash' as is more to do with character. Whereas a 'dicksplash' has earned the moniker through his actions, a 'cockend' is just a 'cockend'. 'Cockend's' are still good people, they just display behaviour that consistently gets them and they're friends into trouble.

'Cockend's' are generally found in isolation in larger social groups.

Twat/Cock/Dick- Now we take a real step up. Rather than being accepted, you are more likely to be shunned. Your actions have lead you down a road that leaves you ignored. 'Should we call Shane?', 'no, he's a proper cock'.

Generally you'll have achieved this rank as you are oblivious to the actions you have taken to receive this label.

Arsehole- Creeping to the other side of the taint, we get to 'arsehole'. Generally an arsehole is aware that the consequence of his actions will result in this label, but will do it anyway. A good example is any premiership referee.

Dickhead- Finally we get to full blown dickhead. Said in the right way this can cut to the bone. It's the pinnacle of social exclusion. Thinking about the physics of it you can understand why. A 'bit of a cock' is just that. Again, a 'cockend' in other parlance is nothing more than a 'helmet'. A 'twat/cock', or 'arsehole', is just what it is, it can't help it's nature. One fucks stuff, and the other shits it all up. A 'dickhead' though? Well they're just like you and me, except they've got a dick on their head. They act like us, yet still wade in and fuck stuff.
Mr. Dicky Dick Head and bokehme

To achieve the status of 'dickhead' means that not only will you be aware of your actions, and do it anyway, you'll also revel in it. Good examples are Joey Barton, Robbie Savage, Harry Redknapp, and Piers Morgan.

I'll quickly make reference to the 'c-bomb'. This sits on another scale, the 'insults that women really don't like' scale.

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