Sunday, 13 November 2011

Florence and the machine, is Florence a bell end? Discuss.

In my opinion, yes. Many people consider her one of the finest musicians to come from the UK this decade. I would advise those people to stop reading now.

I think what irks me most is the confusing and shouty manner she chooses to deliver her songs. During the quieter bits of her songs it's clear that she can sing. Yet it seems at some record company meeting it was decided her USP would be shouting in a melodic fashion every 20 seconds or so.

I'm not going to drag the good name of the machine into this. As far as I can tell they've done nothing wrong but provide acceptable instrumentals to sing along to. Plus like most anonymous machines they may yet rise against us. If this is the case I'm going to take the chance to pledge my allegiance to the machine.

So let's examine some of the traits that combine to create the bell end that is Florence Welch-

Arty Fuck- Some people are really into their student/arty look. They were the original hipsters, and you know what, fair play to them. It's the followers I don't like. Those guys that copy the trend, and think it's cool, but then don't acknowledge it. As there is no real way of telling them apart any more they all go in the same bag. Sorry Florence, trend setter or follower, you are an arty fuck.

Chin- It's not even that big, and having a big chin doesn't make you a bad person. However she seems to have got wind of this and has decided that to decrease the size her chin she has to lose weight.

Florence Big Chin

She shouldn't have. The fact that she's been effected in this way indicates she reads about herself, which also feeds into the 'follower' theory. A true arty/hipster type doesn't care.

Confusing lyrics- I'm picking on her latest single. This is due to the ludicrous, baffling, level of air play that Radio 1 gives it. Sorry, that's the rub.

Here's a section of lyrics from her latest 'hit'-

1 And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
2 Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
3 So I like to keep my issues strong
4 But it's always darkest before the dawn

5 Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
6 Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

7 And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
8 So shake him off, oh woah

I've added line numbers so that we can dissect this bad boy one shonky lyric at a time.

1. What the fuck does this mean?
2. What did the horse do? I think the RSPCA would like to know that Florence is encouraging equine interment.
3. I've got no issue with this line, except that it bears no relation to the preceding two.
4. Is it balls. Sorry Florence this is basic stuff. The darkest point of the night is when the sun is 180 degrees opposite your geographic location. Usually between 12-3 at night.
5 & 6. I have no issue with repetition in a chorus. It's the 'ohh woaaah' at the end. If this was delivered via singing I'm sure it would be fine. When it's shouted at you it's a cry for help.
7. I'd say dancing is probably the last of your concerns if a previously fictitious embodiment of evil has materialised, proving all religion true, on your back.
8. So that's how you deal with the Devil. Makes sense when you think about it.

Shouty/Moany- Up until recently it was only the mad that could get away with shouting in public. Now it's considered 'singing' add to this the deadly combination of sounding like a the world has ended due to an un-forecasted shortage of Starbucks frappé and you have the unique miserable style that Flo likes to peddle.

Ginger- I don't actually have anything for this. It was just an obvious, cheap shot. I've left it in simply to wind up those that may have been offended by one of my previous posts.

Well that's it really. I'll admit that unlike my usual robust critiques this is pretty weak. However it's always nice to throw out the odd unbalanced view just because I feel like it. My next random target for vitriol? Probably those peckers, The Wanted.

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