Thursday, 17 November 2011

The Wanted - Five streaks of piss, sing a shower of shite

You can see from the title of this post that 'The Wanted' are not my favourite group of lads.

They are an example of the most cynical commercialisation of music. Their entire function is to get money from young girls and the odd chap who 'knows his flowers'. If they were doing this sort of thing in internet chat rooms they'd be busted for grooming.



The first time I heard of them was not one of their 'hits' but in a charity 5-a-side football tournament. Playing for a company I worked with we were drawn in the same group as several record labels. Geffen had entered The Wanted as a team. You could see a mile off they were a boy band. They were all decked out in the latest Nike astros and were sporting identical red wife beaters. One of them had a diamond ear ring.

In all fairness they were pretty handy in a, can't take a tackle, show pony, type of way. Our game against them was actually quite a lively affair. It culminated when one of my team mates, James, got into a scrappy 50/50 challenge with Tom. He was the aforementioned one who had the diamond in his ear. As the pair rose from the astro-turf James uttered the single greatest question ever levelled at the boyband- 'Nice earring, does your boyfriend like it?'. James' place in history is assured for this alone.

Digression aside, if you listen to any form of popular radio you're likely to hear their latest contribution to modern music- 'Lightning'

I could spend hours going over why this song is an offence to anyone that has devoted their lives to music. Actually it's an offence to anyone who even overhears music.

Here's an excerpt-

1 I know it is a little bit frightening,
2 We might aswell be playing with lightning now.
3 Oh oh,

4 Just you and me and the coats in the back room,
5 Learning things they don't teach in the classroom,
6 Now,You're here,
7 I feel, the fear

1. No problem with this, a classic pop hook I'd say. Please boys, continue.
2. I'm sorry are you seriously suggesting that 'playing with lightning' is merely a little frightening? I'd say that playing with 3 million volt electricity, travelling at 140,000mph and reaching temperatures of 30,000 degrees C, is more than 'a little bit frightening'. Shit scary I'd say.
3. After the last line this is utter shite.
4. Two burn victims lying in coats in a shadowy back room. Odd.
5. What things? I'm curious? How to dress lightning burns? Tops and fingers under a pile of coats? I don't know what school these boys went to but all we talked about at my school, other than football, was (mainly fictional) sexual encounters. Also the Wanted are now all 18+, yet this lyric intimates that they are with a school girl. Let's hope she's legal chaps.
6. Throw away shite.
7. Is this the fear of being caught with jailbait? Or impending death due to first degree burns?

There's only so much I can continue to go on about this so let's move one. Judging on the above it's clear that these boys won't have careers in music for too much longer (god willing). So what other jobs could 'The Wanted' do?

Bin men-

I can't think of anyone I'd rather collect my sons soiled nappies.

the wanted bin men


Animal testing-

Let's give those bunnies a break. In all fairness being used by a shady corporation is something The Wanted have unwitting experience in.

wantedanimaltesting


Medicinal research subjects-

Let's get them right into the nasty stuff. It's not as if they're going to cure cancer with their minds.

the wanted research victims


Rent boys-

In all fairness they'll probably earn more per appearance doing this.

The wanted rent boys


MMA-

This would be hilarious. Can you imagine how quickly they'd get filled in?

The wanted mma


Out of town shopping centre super stars-

the wanted shopping


Have you been to anywhere like Bluewater recently? Did I miss the memo stating that to avoid shitty looks you have to dress like a boyband member? When I was a lad I knew a chap called Danny. He started dressing like a boyband member long before this worrying trend kicked in. He was forever known as 'Boyband Fanny'.

On a final note I'd like to leave you with a quote from a friend of mine that sums up The Wanted perfectly- "All I can say is that if you replace the T with a K they become a band that has no spunk."







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