Wednesday, 7 December 2011

The Christmas Post

This isn't about Royal Mail.

It's that time of year so I'm going for a 'best of' kind of feel here. First up-

Best Christmas song-

Fairytale of New York

Everyone loves this, and it's definitely aimed at booze hounds. Sing cheerfully with mates, or sob along alone. However it's not the winner here.

Feed the world

Good ol' Midge and Bob eh? It's certainly synonomous with Chrimbo, but as it contains a healthy dollop of guilt it doesn't win either.

Merry Christmas Everybody

Surely the winner? Noddy giving it the big'un and a killer line that a drunk Uncle can bellow from the next room 'It's Christmassss!'. Sorry, not the winner though.

Merry Christmas every one

Bingo, we have a winner. Light hearted and full of festive mirth it's exactly what we all need. However the real clincher is the truely epic jumper that Shakey wears throughout.

Best Christmas film-


Is there any better way to spend a Christmas day afternoon than to snooze to the dulcit tones of Connery or Moore whilst gently leaking turkey farts? Well, yes, actually.

Star Wars

Not the shit new ones. The classics. This used to be a firm fixture, and it was my first taste many years ago. However the force is not as strong as it once was, so, not the winner, it is.


This seems to be on at Easter more these days. As a child I had to endure this film every year to the point where I now love it, along with the slightly inferior, yet still great, Zulu Dawn. Despite it reminding us all of the glory days of the Empire and the bravery we displayed massacring barely armed locals with our advanced weaponery, it's not at top spot.

Die Hard

Could it be anything else? Although released in July 1988, it's set on Christmas Eve. There's no better way to get the family involved (the male side at least) as all ages can unite over the joy of seeing a dirty man in a vest taking out German terrorists. 'Now I have a gun, ho ho ho.' Yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers.

Best Christmas food stuff-


In oil or in the more fashionable goose fat, crispy spuds are manna from heaven. They don't quite triumph here though.


With sausage meat. I can't stress this enough. Standard stuffing counts for dick. Even with the sausage meat it's not quite meaty enough for the win.

Pigs in blankets

Two words- DOUBLE MEAT. Winner. Fact.

Best cracker toy-

Fortune telling fish

We all know how it works now, still it's nice to think that the claminess of your palms can predict your future. Not entertaining enough for the win.

Nail clippers

A perfect distraction later in the day as the recipient absent mindly clips their nails long after dinner. It won't be long before the spring flies out to nearly blind Granny and the poorly made clippers are consigned to the bin.

Mini playing cards

Perfect for a adhoc game of poker for the multitude of nuts that inhabit most houses at Christmas. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but you quickly realise that the cards are incredibly fiddly. Dad thinks he's smart by bending the ace cards and the games ruined for everyone.

Mini screw drivers

The holy grail of cracker toys. Normally with a swish case as well. I've changed plugs with these bad boys. Just for fun. Clearly the winner.

Best use of leftovers


Despite best intentions the mountain of food you've nobley tried to tackle didn't go down, and so to the bin. This isn't the most romantic so it doesn't win this group.


Turkey sangers for the week after? Sounds like a winner at the time. Until 3 days in when arid turkey is clogging your wind pipe like sand.

Cold buffet

You've already consumed over a days worth of calories at lunch, why not top it up? Inexplicably you're still hungry so picking at the Turkey carcass sounds like a great idea.


And the winner is- a cuzza. Don't kid yourself, the only sure fire way to use up a Turkey is to boil the bird and put the resulting flakings in a curry. Watch as family and friends gleefully shovel week old bird into their mouths flavoured with exotic spices.

So for the best Christmas ever-

Listen to Shakin' Stevens, eat pigs in blankets, watch Die Hard, fiddle with tiny screwdrivers, and then eat a curry.

Merry Christmas!


  1. Zulu is obviously the best film for Christmas. I say this as 1)it is a great film 2)it has michael caine in it 3) The 'character' Private Jones 593 (played by some unknown actor) is my actual great great grandfather who fought and won a Victoria Cross at Rorke's Drift.

  2. I couldn't remember who I knew that was related to a participant!

    This was a close call, but the 'Hard won me over in the end.

    Not withstanding Zulu is an awesome film, and I'll be busting out the DVD on Chrimbo day.


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