So there's no better time to do an uplifting post on trends for 2012.....
Life will continue to be bleak in East London:
A true barometer for life in the east end, Eastenders will continue to hold a mirror up to society's ills. Notable story lines will include-
- Wellard returns after faking his death for tax purposes in 2008.
- Criminal activity drops as a mysterious vigilante prowls the streets at night. Dot is unable to supply alibis for these periods, could she be the jowled avenger?
- Walford is renamed as 'Mitchell Wonderland', tourists flock.
- Someone touts Olympic tickets.
- The fried chicken drought continues resulting in 50 deaths.
The outskirts of Merseyside will continue to produce an exceptionally high ratio of top quality blart:
The documentary/soap of Hollyoaks has given us all a realistic window into the life of a northern type. Events of interest are-
- There will be an increase of improbable scenarios resulting in young girls being in their scuds.
- Sexual tension will build until a series of late night specials relieve the tension.
- Long serving male cast members will pile on weight.
- Tony is revealed as an invincible servant of Satan. Thus explaining his baffling continued employment.
Social networks will dominate our time:
One way or another more people will sign up and spend their time cyber stalking each other.
- Twitter will continue to grow. Most of the new accounts will be clever aliases or Star Wars characters.
- Facebook will continue to dominate work time as more people manage to tenuously link its use to their role.
- Google+ will become self aware.
- Myspace will disappear up its own arse.
- Bebo will only be used by hardline terrorists masquerading as Westlife fans.
An English sportsmen will be involved in a scandal:
Sure as day follows night and night follows day, the glorious champions representing our humble nation will get involved in something mucky. It's not just footballers though, those rugby chaps aren't averse to throwing the odd midget.
- John Terry will sleep with Ashley Cole to prove he isn't racist.
- Harry Redknapp will get done for tax evasion. However as he's a lovable rogue he'll get a slap on the wrist after giving the judge a great deal on an Austin Allegro.
- The Allegro will break down as sawdust is found in the gearbox.
- Danny Cipriani will team up with Gavin Henson as male prostitutes. No one cares though.
- Jonathan Trott will drop his boring tag by outrageously organsing his stamp collection by colour.
Politics will remain at the forefront of topical debate:
As the pioneers of televised politically debate there's nothing that Briton's love more than keeping up with politics.
- The government will further distance itself from Europe by making sweeping generalisations about each country.
- Nick Clegg will take no more, turn green, rip his suit, scream 'don't make me choose' and charge through the wall looking for a large enough fence to support his weight.
- Margaret Thatcher will watch the 'Iron Lady' and declare war on America in disgust. Someone will remind her she's not Prime Minster and she'll shuffle off.
- David Cameron will finally complete his scalextric 'Le Mans' marathon. He gets knighted for his effort.
The economy will determine the fates of millions of people:
Economics will continue to affect us all. Some will benefit, whilst others will struggle. What possible undulations might occur?
- The Euro will crumble under the weight of bureaucracy. Old currencies will re-emerge and Britons everywhere will piss away huge wads of cash thinking it's bank of toyland bumwad, whilst on holiday.
- High streets will be dominated by 'cash 4 gold' shops. The sudden influx of gold means its value drops. Scrunchies become the must have decorative item.
- The Bank of England borrows money from wonga.com. Pay Day Loans bails them out.
- The interest rate on bank notes in a rusty biscuit tin under your mattress excedes that of high street banks for the first time.
- The number of 65 year olds on the dole goes up as people retire regardless of what the government says.
- The US economy continues to wobble. China doesn't give a shit.
- China's economy wobbles as no one has the money to buy their mass produced tat. China cares again.
- Geographically selected press releases reveal that North Korea saves the world economy.
Well there's my predictions for 2012. I bet you half a gram of Martian space dust* that I'm right.
*predicted currency at end of 2012.