Friday, 18 May 2012

Shakespeare with c*nts

I was bored the other day, and my mind wandered as it does. I started to think about those classical literature, zombie mash ups and realised that this idea could be developed.

Being the childish and coarse individual that I am I thought what could brighten up some of the dreary texts I read under duress at school. Thus "Shakespeare with c*nts" was born. I'm surprised no one in the adult entertainment industry has thought of it.

So before we get into it, a few important points.

-Ladies, and the easily offended: I apologise this is a post that glamourises and overuses one of the harshest profanities in the English language. Unfortunately for you most men find this term amusing. As a token of acknowledgement I'll be using a complex code system.

-Code key: "*" = "u"

-Pronounciation: After some study I have found that the two most effective and satisfying ways of sating c*nt is as follows (phonetic pronounciation in brackets);



Thick Yorkshire accent. For some reason those that hail from this region can really express the hate required to use this term correctly. Not only that but the varied and frequent use means it rolls of the tongue quite naturally.

c*nt (kern-tuh)



East London villain accent. Said in the right way it cuts like a knife. Commonly heard during road rage incidents and at football games (and the odd Guy Ritchie film).

c*nt (can-tuh)

So now you know how to say it lets look at just how good Shakespeare gets with c*nts-

Hamlet-


The famous scene where Hamlet checks out a skull-

HAMLET
Let me see, you c*nt.

Takes the skull

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, the c*nt, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your
gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one
now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?
Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let
her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell
me one thing.

HORATIO
What's that, my lord, you c*nt?

Hamlet throws a fit at Ophelia-

OPHELIA
I was the more deceived.

HAMLET
Get thee to a nunnery, c*nt: why wouldst thou be a
breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;
but yet I could accuse me of such things that it
were better my mother had not borne me: I am very
proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at
my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,
imagination to give them shape, or time to act them
in. What should such fellows as I do crawling
between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,
all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.
Where's your father, the c*nt?

OPHELIA
At home, my lord, you c*nt.

Julius Caesar-


A soothsayer warns Caesar-

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March, you c*nt.

CAESAR
What c*nt is that?

BRUTUS
A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
Set him before me; let me see the c*nt's face.


Caesar is slain-

CAESAR
Et tu, Brute, you c*nt! Then fall, Caesar.

Dies

CINNA
Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead!
Run hence, proclaim, cry it about the streets, you c*nts.

Anthony addresses the crowd-

ANTONY
Friends, Romans, c*nts, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, the c*nt, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar. The c*nt Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest--
For Brutus is a c*nt;
So are they all, all c*nts--
Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.

I could go on, but you get the point. Plus it would get boring. Also, you know what, this isn't as funny as I thought it would be. Still you live and learn.

What do you think? Could the word 'c*nt' jazz up any other form of entertainment? Or another profanity for that matter? Feel free to comment on this drawn out rubbish below.

Also, do you think you could do better (let's face it, it won't be difficult)? If so you can submit your effort here.



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