Monday, 18 June 2012

The Equations Of Life

Life, some say, is all about balance. Balance of course is an equation (see what I've done there). So it got me thinking, and when I think, I write. Normally twaddle.

So I present, for your delectation (and no doubt time wasting), equations of life:


Actual Sleep = Time You Want to sleep - 2 hours + (Length of time on the piss / 2) + (Reasons to get up / 2)



Easy enough, the time you want to sleep is long, lets say 9 hours. Normally you never get this, thus the "-2", however if you've been on the booze for 4 hours the night before you might get an additional 2 hours. You've then got to factor in reasons to get up. If you have got a reason to get up, you'll invariably sleep in, thus if you have 2 reasons to get up you'll get an additional hour in bed.


Time to get ready = 15 minutes + (0 minutes if male) + (90 minutes if female)



I take 15 minutes to get ready, for anything. That includes showering and doing my hair. My wife could take 90 minutes plus, it's only the fact that I chase her that she gets ready quicker.

Cost of petrol-

Actual Petrol Cost = Perceived Cost of Petrol x 1.5



I try and budget for my petrol on a monthly basis. Despite an airtight process I'm always short. I'm hoping the above will fix that.

Length of Journey-

Actual journey length = Perceived journey length x 0.5 / (1.33 on return)



I don't know why, but everytime I go somewhere (especially if it's the first time) it takes longer than I thought it would to get there. Yet strangely on the return journey it seems to go quicker. Weird that.

Argument Length-

Actual argument length = Time taken for me to say sorry x 3



Women forget nothing. This is not a generalisation. Anyone who does not believe this is either certifiable, or incredibly brave.

When you think an argument is over, you're wrong. She will stew for as long as it takes for you to say sorry, even if you're in the right.

Simplicity of Task-

Actual simplicity of task = 20 x number of tools required



The 20 in this task represents the casual "yeah that'll take 20 minutes" appraisal that I give all jobs. If your appraisal level is lower, or higher, substitute as required.

Invariably no job has ever taken 20 minutes.

Hotness of Women-

Hotness = 5 + (1 per additional week without other females of greater hotness)


H=5+(1 AWWFGH)

This needs a little explaining. The easiest way of looking at it was my time in 6th form. Having spent the former 5 years at an all boys school we were all eager for 6th form as girls were introduced.

On seeing them all arrive on the 1st day of term it was universally agreed that there were no lookers.

By Christmas however this universal agreement had to change to encompass some of them as 'hotties'.

In essence all this illustrates is that the longer men go without significant female hotness, they will make the available women 'hot'.

Well there's a few to keep you going. There are obviously a few more, feel free to send them in if you like, here.


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