Normally I ignore these requests as most of them are bunk, however this particular one piqued my curiosity, so I agreed to give it a look.
Upon opening the package I was presented with the 'trion:z magnetic band'. "What could this possibly be?", I thought to myself.
So I immediately did some research. It was going for £20 on Amazon so i figured it must have something to it.
I quickly read the pamphlet included in the packaging. It was clear this was a sports aid of some sort. All of the celebrity endorsements were from various sporting personalities including England's own Jimmy Anderson. This had to be good.
I started to look for what the band actually does. Things started to get a bit vague at this point. "Intended use: this product is intended to improve blood flow and to reduce muscle stiffness", ok, but how? "method of action: permanent magnet in the device improves blood flow." Obvious really. "operating instructions: wear as a bracelet". Well that clears that up then. This was the sole documentation included in a high end sports aid. I was yet to be convinced.
I returned to the packaging for any further clues as to the science behind this clearly magical piece of kit. Luckily there was more detail on the back.
If you can't be bothered to read the photo here's my summary: magnets increase magnetic field flow and generate and release negative ions. I shit you not.
So still clueless as to what the band does or why you would need it I fired up laptop and went to Trion:Z's website.
After a few minutes reading similar bunk to the above, and some bollocks about Cleopatra sleeping on a magnetic lodestone I found these before and after images.
So increased blood flow to the hand and less stiff wrists. This is clearly a wanking aid. Designed to abolish the mythical "wankers whiplash". Trion:Z were merely attempting to make tuggery safer.
I realised I had to stop being cynical. The only easy to know for sure was to test it. It was designed for athletes (not wanking), so I'd have to do something athletic. First I'd have to wear the silly thing.
For some reason my wrist had felt particularly weak and limp all morning. The magnetised band slide on, KRAKOOM, with a snap my whole arm went taut.
I felt energised and knew that this was not some worthless tat designed to part people with too much money from their, well, money. I knew that I now wore the secret to professional sport, I had my edge. I fired up FIFA on the PS3 and went straight online.
Until that day i had never won a game of FIFA online. That hasn't changed, but I came close. That's the important thing, my performance improved.
What seemed a little odd though was whilst wearing the band whenever I became angry I could feel an explosive amount of energy build up. I almost thought that when I was onto my fifth straight loss that my arms were turning green, and rather than shouting obscenities at the young Spaniard dealing out yet another whooping, i was mono-syllabically shouting "angry", and "rage". I don't remember much after except that I woke in the garden in a torn pair of purple trousers and there was a hole in the wall. Quite strange.
However, I was convinced. This band was truly a miracle. I know there's a bunch of scientists in Switzerland who have discovered the "god particle", well I've discovered the "god bracelet". I'm not sure there isn't one part of your life that couldn't be improved by forking out nearly £20 for this essential lifestyle item.
If you're skint you can buy mine for a £10.
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