Monday, 24 June 2013

Old school childish torture techniques - #1, the wet willy

This series of posts (if I write them) is going to delve into the murky world of school boy torture techniques. 

Let's kick off with a cracker - the dreaded "wet willy".

1. Select a victim who will have limited visibility off your approach.

2. Always approach from the rear, or at least a diagonal side attack. Never from the front.

3. Don't use your index finger. The pinky should be your chosen digit. It allows for deeper penetration. The media often mislead rookies into using the index, however the pinky will provide the deepest experience of violation.

4. Always lube up. Part of the horror of the wet willy is the clammy moistness. Never go in dry, this maybe torture, but we're not animals.

5. Insert swiftly to maximise depth before the victim can react.

6. As victim starts to register the horror of what is happening, sway backwards. You'll avoid more extreme physical retaliation.

That's how to deliver the most traumatic wet willy, but where did it come from?


There is no definitive story of the first wet willy with many varying stories. However the one that has been widely accepted by many historians is the tale of William Paters.

Paters was a school boy in the early 18th century. It's said that his friend, Bill Bobbins had fallen asleep in Paters company. At this point he decided to take advantage of his unconscious friend. He attempted to stick his cock in Bobbins' ear. Bobbins awoke before Pater had committed the act and in a wild moment of terror and revulsion clocked Pater with a solid right hook. Pater was knocked unconscious and Bobbins fled.

A passing police officer by the name of Wetley Williams stumbled across Paters prone body. Instinctively he attempted to revive the boy and falling back on now outdated medical techniques he moistened his finger and inserted into Paters ear.

Paters awoke swinging his fists violently in disgust and confusion. Since that day this technique has remained in the Metropolitan police field manual, next to the correct method of beating up hippies and students.

So that's the wet willy. Next up, the Chinese burn.

Friday, 26 April 2013

Suarez to seek rehab after admitting addiction to biting

Luis Suarez has admitted he has a problem in a sensational interview with the footballing press. The troubled Liverpool star has faced some harsh critics following his bite at the weekend, but he has vowed to come back stronger.

Whilst holding back tears Suarez admitted that his addiction started very early in his life: "I vaguely remember my parents weaning me as a toddler. Biting seemed so easy. I think in some small way my parents teaching me to eat like a normal human has contributed to my addiction. It's clearly their fault".

Suarez has a history of biting in competitive games, something that he also traces back to his childhood: "I was a competitive child. I clearly remember playing Monopoly and becoming frustrated that I was unable to pass go due to a chance card. I simply took a bite out of the banker and it solved the problem. The other children stopped playing, so I won by default."

Suarez will attend the exclusive Priory clinic for a period of 5 -10 weeks where he will face a grueling daily regime of having the shit flushed from between his ears. He will also be told repeatedly to stop biting people.

On his rehabilitation he continued: "I'm sure I can get better, but I realise it will be difficult. The urge to bite is something that will never go away. Playing a physical sport which brings me into close proximity with potential bitees makes things difficult. Perhaps I can get a substitue, like a slab of beef carved into the shape of an arm?"

Brendan Rodgers, simpleton and Liverpool manager, frothed: "I'm not sure what the FA are playing at. Clearly the lad needs help, not a lengthy ban. We've all been there, faced with the temptation to bite someone, frankly I'm amazed this doesn't happen more often. It's only because he's in the public eye. I bite a variety of people everyday. Anyone that says they don't bite is a bare-faced liar".

Friday, 22 February 2013

Online trolls to be investigated

The government announced today that intended to open an inquest into trolls online. The Prime Minister, David Cameron said, "For too long these trolls have been spoiling the internet for everyone. Questions need to be asked, where did these trolls get computers and internet access?"
A government appointed expert, William O Baggins, continued, "it's widely recognised that most trolls live under bridges eating stray goats. How they came by the internet is very worrying. More alarming is the behaviour they display when online."

The inquest will begin immediately with any troll found with internet access forced into direct sunlight, thereby turning them to stone. Pro-troll support group 'Troll Information Technology Supporters' (TITS) spokesman, Hardy Cockwright immediately responded, "Most trolls have no interest in attacking people online. They are much more interested in goats and hobbits. A small number have tarnished the whole community and to punish all trolls is unfair".

Although no trolls were available to interview in person, there were several voicing their opinions online. 'Badboi69' said, "come and get me. cunts. megalolz, rofl lmao, hope you die. laterz haterz". Further comments included "yak yak, ma dong is 4 ya mum. dicks. lol", and "mef. mef. you is a mef. Cameron is a cheese sniffer. sots". The stream of comments continued to descend into nonsensical gibberish.

The inquest is likely to last several months and was reportedly ordered after Mr. Cameron saw a comment on a forum stating "David Cameron likes it up the chuff from Cleggy".


Monday, 11 February 2013

"Dark knight rises" inspires Pope to quit

In a stunning interview with "take a break" magazine the Pope has revealed that the Christopher Nolan directed "Dark Knight Rises" inspired him to quit as God's representative on Earth.

"I realised that the idea of 'the pope' was bigger than one man, much like Batman", said the now relaxed pontiff.

"The pope should be a symbol and it's time for me to step aside. I'll happily hand over the keys to the pope-mobile and access codes to the pope cave", continued the papal patriarch.

"Maybe if I'd have faced a succession of unlikely pantomime baddies, rather than scandals on kiddie diddling and the use of dunkies in Africa, perhaps things might have been different", he pondered thoughtfully.

With the holy Roman throne now vacant rumours are rife that Prince Charles might throw his hat in the ring, "it's increasingly unlikely I'll be king, but I'd settle for Pope", said the glum monarch.

Other names in the running include Harry Redknapp, Danny Dyer, and Samuel L Jackson.

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