Friday, 22 February 2013

Online trolls to be investigated

The government announced today that intended to open an inquest into trolls online. The Prime Minister, David Cameron said, "For too long these trolls have been spoiling the internet for everyone. Questions need to be asked, where did these trolls get computers and internet access?"
A government appointed expert, William O Baggins, continued, "it's widely recognised that most trolls live under bridges eating stray goats. How they came by the internet is very worrying. More alarming is the behaviour they display when online."

The inquest will begin immediately with any troll found with internet access forced into direct sunlight, thereby turning them to stone. Pro-troll support group 'Troll Information Technology Supporters' (TITS) spokesman, Hardy Cockwright immediately responded, "Most trolls have no interest in attacking people online. They are much more interested in goats and hobbits. A small number have tarnished the whole community and to punish all trolls is unfair".

Although no trolls were available to interview in person, there were several voicing their opinions online. 'Badboi69' said, "come and get me. cunts. megalolz, rofl lmao, hope you die. laterz haterz". Further comments included "yak yak, ma dong is 4 ya mum. dicks. lol", and "mef. mef. you is a mef. Cameron is a cheese sniffer. sots". The stream of comments continued to descend into nonsensical gibberish.

The inquest is likely to last several months and was reportedly ordered after Mr. Cameron saw a comment on a forum stating "David Cameron likes it up the chuff from Cleggy".


Monday, 11 February 2013

"Dark knight rises" inspires Pope to quit

In a stunning interview with "take a break" magazine the Pope has revealed that the Christopher Nolan directed "Dark Knight Rises" inspired him to quit as God's representative on Earth.

"I realised that the idea of 'the pope' was bigger than one man, much like Batman", said the now relaxed pontiff.

"The pope should be a symbol and it's time for me to step aside. I'll happily hand over the keys to the pope-mobile and access codes to the pope cave", continued the papal patriarch.

"Maybe if I'd have faced a succession of unlikely pantomime baddies, rather than scandals on kiddie diddling and the use of dunkies in Africa, perhaps things might have been different", he pondered thoughtfully.

With the holy Roman throne now vacant rumours are rife that Prince Charles might throw his hat in the ring, "it's increasingly unlikely I'll be king, but I'd settle for Pope", said the glum monarch.

Other names in the running include Harry Redknapp, Danny Dyer, and Samuel L Jackson.

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