Friday, 26 April 2013

Suarez to seek rehab after admitting addiction to biting

Luis Suarez has admitted he has a problem in a sensational interview with the footballing press. The troubled Liverpool star has faced some harsh critics following his bite at the weekend, but he has vowed to come back stronger.

Whilst holding back tears Suarez admitted that his addiction started very early in his life: "I vaguely remember my parents weaning me as a toddler. Biting seemed so easy. I think in some small way my parents teaching me to eat like a normal human has contributed to my addiction. It's clearly their fault".

Suarez has a history of biting in competitive games, something that he also traces back to his childhood: "I was a competitive child. I clearly remember playing Monopoly and becoming frustrated that I was unable to pass go due to a chance card. I simply took a bite out of the banker and it solved the problem. The other children stopped playing, so I won by default."

Suarez will attend the exclusive Priory clinic for a period of 5 -10 weeks where he will face a grueling daily regime of having the shit flushed from between his ears. He will also be told repeatedly to stop biting people.

On his rehabilitation he continued: "I'm sure I can get better, but I realise it will be difficult. The urge to bite is something that will never go away. Playing a physical sport which brings me into close proximity with potential bitees makes things difficult. Perhaps I can get a substitue, like a slab of beef carved into the shape of an arm?"

Brendan Rodgers, simpleton and Liverpool manager, frothed: "I'm not sure what the FA are playing at. Clearly the lad needs help, not a lengthy ban. We've all been there, faced with the temptation to bite someone, frankly I'm amazed this doesn't happen more often. It's only because he's in the public eye. I bite a variety of people everyday. Anyone that says they don't bite is a bare-faced liar".

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