Monday, 24 June 2013

Old school childish torture techniques - #1, the wet willy

This series of posts (if I write them) is going to delve into the murky world of school boy torture techniques. 

Let's kick off with a cracker - the dreaded "wet willy".

1. Select a victim who will have limited visibility off your approach.

2. Always approach from the rear, or at least a diagonal side attack. Never from the front.

3. Don't use your index finger. The pinky should be your chosen digit. It allows for deeper penetration. The media often mislead rookies into using the index, however the pinky will provide the deepest experience of violation.

4. Always lube up. Part of the horror of the wet willy is the clammy moistness. Never go in dry, this maybe torture, but we're not animals.

5. Insert swiftly to maximise depth before the victim can react.

6. As victim starts to register the horror of what is happening, sway backwards. You'll avoid more extreme physical retaliation.

That's how to deliver the most traumatic wet willy, but where did it come from?


There is no definitive story of the first wet willy with many varying stories. However the one that has been widely accepted by many historians is the tale of William Paters.

Paters was a school boy in the early 18th century. It's said that his friend, Bill Bobbins had fallen asleep in Paters company. At this point he decided to take advantage of his unconscious friend. He attempted to stick his cock in Bobbins' ear. Bobbins awoke before Pater had committed the act and in a wild moment of terror and revulsion clocked Pater with a solid right hook. Pater was knocked unconscious and Bobbins fled.

A passing police officer by the name of Wetley Williams stumbled across Paters prone body. Instinctively he attempted to revive the boy and falling back on now outdated medical techniques he moistened his finger and inserted into Paters ear.

Paters awoke swinging his fists violently in disgust and confusion. Since that day this technique has remained in the Metropolitan police field manual, next to the correct method of beating up hippies and students.

So that's the wet willy. Next up, the Chinese burn.

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