Tuesday, 26 August 2014

The financial pain of the final third of the year.

Did you have a good bank holiday? I hope so because it's all downhill from here.

"All we are is dust in the wind", so sang Kansas. Well, we may as well be pissing into it.

Look into the distance. No really look, past the foreground and into the deep distance. Do you see it? That tiny speck that isn't getting any closer? You're as far away from that speck as you can be. It's your September pay day. It's time to strap in and lube up because September's a long hard one.

At some point tomorrow the bank computers will have finished enjoying their break. They will then be busy totting up the many liberties you took with your bank balance whilst lost in a boozy bank holiday fug.

The worst thing about it all is that when you do reach the nirvana of September's pay day you'll spend too much of it celebrating that you have some money again. Then you'll realise it was one of the last three pay days before the final "oh shit it's Christmas tomorrow" pay day.

That's right. Once September's done with you Winter has buttered his balls and is ready to pound your financial arse to dust. Dust in the wind.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Things men like to do that women don't really understand

As a man there are numerous things I do, some on a regular basis, that my wife just doesn't understand. It turns out that in a lot of cases most of these things are common to most blokes. So here's a quick list, which if by no means exhaustive:

1. Ridiculous eating
good brekkie this

It could be the portion size, it could be the content, it could be the fact that it belongs on the plate of a ten year old rather than a grown man, but whatever it is at one point every man folds. Women may roll their eyes as you boast of your skips/quavers triple decker sandwich medley, they may gasp as you devour a whole roast chicken, or tut as you polish off a  triumvirate of creme eggs but stand tall and thank God it's not a salad.

2. Watching sport

The male equivalent of watching soaps, or for that matter award winning drama. Watching sport unites us. Not necessarily because we support the same team or like the same sports, but in acknowledgment of unfulfilled dreams of sporting excellence and natural ability.

3. Playing sport beyond school

seen every Sunday across the UK

An extension of point 2. For some watching is not enough. They need to prove to themselves, and any lucky witnesses, that actually they were alright. Most quickly realise that this was also a fallacy.

4. Drinking with friends
a simpler, drunker time

"Why don't you just meet for a coffee", my wife has said on numerous occasions. She just doesn't get it. This isn't an episode of "friends". Men need the social lubrication that is alcohol to shake off the quiet inhibition that surrounds us so that we can actually have a bit of fun.

5. Getting horribly drunk

that last pint was dodgy. The other 8 were fine

I'm not talking just pissed. I'm talking so pissed you're sick everywhere, lose several of your possessions, and fall asleep on several different modes of public transport. We don't have an off switch so it can get apocalyptic pretty quickly.

6. Picking a winner

trendsetter and cultural icon

Some chaps will pretend they don't do this. They'll say they only blow their nose. Bollocks. Everyone has their own root around and preferred space to do it in. Some it's the (visible) sanctuary of a car, others it's simply whenever they think they can't be seen (invariably they can).

7. Big shits

There's a very good reason websites like rate my poo exist (don't search for it, just take my word for it). Men like a good shit. Only their own mind you. There's something incredibly satisfying about a drowned badger and knowing that it's truly mammoth adds a sense of  accomplishment.

8. Cupping

lots of cups

Shoes off, feet up, hand down pants, cupping. Tried and tested, never bettered. I guess it's a bit like a security blanket. It's a proud tradition handed down from father to son.

9. Laughing at farts

fart meme does the rounds

You quickly grow out of laughing at the noise, but the fallout that can be created in a group of friends, or public place still holds an element of magic.

There are plenty more that could be added to this list and I'm sure I will as time goes on. Have you got any? Chuck it in the contents if you like.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Photo bombing - a guide

In the aftermath of the Oscars one story stands head and shoulders above the rest. The fact that Sharknado didn't even get nominated. I'll let that settle in. 

Luckily plucky Brit Benedict Cumberpatch was on hand to lighten the mood with everyone's favourite form of bombing (after swimming pool of course), photo bombing. 

However Cabbagepatch didn't just get lucky. What he did takes training and practice. So how can you be the life and soul of the party? How can you consign hundreds of carefully staged special moments to the digital recycle bin? Read on...

1. Anonymity is key

text book bomb, both photo and to a lesser extent pool

If you want to be a meme there's no point in knowing the person. Your mates are just going to see you playing the twat. Bars and pubs around the touristy parts of town are your Savannah. Those slightly tipsy backpackers taking the same photo over and over again. They're the gazelle. 

2. Maximise body area

this image has little to do with this point, I just liked it

Get big. Slapdyback did a great job of fanning out. You don't want to be in the background, you want to be the background. 

3. The face

Just check out that face!

Your face needs to speak to people. Those people need to decide whether you need an ambulance or a roll of bog paper. 

4. Leave the scene

High fiving and cheering with your beered up mates will give you away. Slink away without drawing attention to yourself and your bomb is primed for the hazy hungover morning after. 

That's it pretty much. Good luck.
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