1. Ridiculous eating
It could be the portion size, it could be the content, it could be the fact that it belongs on the plate of a ten year old rather than a grown man, but whatever it is at one point every man folds. Women may roll their eyes as you boast of your skips/quavers triple decker sandwich medley, they may gasp as you devour a whole roast chicken, or tut as you polish off a triumvirate of creme eggs but stand tall and thank God it's not a salad.
2. Watching sport
The male equivalent of watching soaps, or for that matter award winning drama. Watching sport unites us. Not necessarily because we support the same team or like the same sports, but in acknowledgment of unfulfilled dreams of sporting excellence and natural ability.
3. Playing sport beyond school
An extension of point 2. For some watching is not enough. They need to prove to themselves, and any lucky witnesses, that actually they were alright. Most quickly realise that this was also a fallacy.
4. Drinking with friends
"Why don't you just meet for a coffee", my wife has said on numerous occasions. She just doesn't get it. This isn't an episode of "friends". Men need the social lubrication that is alcohol to shake off the quiet inhibition that surrounds us so that we can actually have a bit of fun.
5. Getting horribly drunk
I'm not talking just pissed. I'm talking so pissed you're sick everywhere, lose several of your possessions, and fall asleep on several different modes of public transport. We don't have an off switch so it can get apocalyptic pretty quickly.
6. Picking a winner
Some chaps will pretend they don't do this. They'll say they only blow their nose. Bollocks. Everyone has their own root around and preferred space to do it in. Some it's the (visible) sanctuary of a car, others it's simply whenever they think they can't be seen (invariably they can).
7. Big shits
There's a very good reason websites like rate my poo exist (don't search for it, just take my word for it). Men like a good shit. Only their own mind you. There's something incredibly satisfying about a drowned badger and knowing that it's truly mammoth adds a sense of accomplishment.
8. Cupping
Shoes off, feet up, hand down pants, cupping. Tried and tested, never bettered. I guess it's a bit like a security blanket. It's a proud tradition handed down from father to son.
9. Laughing at farts
You quickly grow out of laughing at the noise, but the fallout that can be created in a group of friends, or public place still holds an element of magic.
There are plenty more that could be added to this list and I'm sure I will as time goes on. Have you got any? Chuck it in the contents if you like.
